The Project Gutenberg eBook of Taking the Census: A Farce This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Taking the Census: A Farce Author: Elizabeth F. Guptill Release date: October 17, 2016 [eBook #53298] Language: English Credits: Produced by Emmy, MFR and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TAKING THE CENSUS: A FARCE *** Produced by Emmy, MFR and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) [Transcriber's Note: Bold text is surrounded by =equal signs= and italic text is surrounded by _underscores_.] Taking the Census A Farce By ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL _Price 10 Cents_ _All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted_ [Illustration: _Tullar-Meredith Co._] 265 West 36th Street, New York 14 W. Washington Street, Chicago _Copyright 1914 by Tullar-Meredith Co._ _International Copyright Secured_ Taking the Census Characters Mr. Cole, the Census Taker. Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “Cullud Lady.” Alexander Johnson, her Young Son. SCENE Mrs. Johnson’s home. Mrs. Johnson winding yarn which Alexander holds for her. * * * * * MRS. J. Now yo’ jes’ stop yo’ wigglin’, Alexandah, caze yo’ got to hole dis yahn till yo’ mammy git it all winded up in a big ball fo’ to knit yo’ wintah stockin’s wiv. Keep it straight, now. No, don’t straitch is so! Jes’ hole it easy. ALEX. But mah ahms is tiahd, Mammy, an’ mah han’s ache. MRS. J. Dat don’ make a bit o’ diffunce. Yo’ hole dat ar yahn good. Does yo’ heah? ALEX. Caint I hole it bimeby, an’ res’ a while now, Mammy? MAMMY. No, yo’ caint! Yo’ jes’ want to git out an’ play baseball wiv dem no-count white chilluns. I don’ want yo’ should ’sociate wiv sech trash. Sit up, does yo’ heah? ALEX. Yaas, but—— MRS. J. (Getting a switch from the corner.) Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton Johnsing, does yo’ see dat switch? ALEX. I’m a-holdin’ it, Mammy. I’m a-holdin’ it good. MAMMY. Yo’ jes keep on a-holdin’ it good, an’ don’ yo’ fuss no moah. (A loud rap is heard.) Mah goodness, who dat? (She walks to door, still winding yarn, and opens it.) MR. C. Good afternoon, Madam. MRS. J. Good aftahnoon, sah. Will yo’ walk in? MR. C. Thank you, I will. I have here the census report blanks and I am taking the census. MRS. J. We-all hasn’t no moah senses dan we needs, ouah selves, sah, an’ we don’ p’etend dat we has. MR. C. I mean I am taking the vital statistics, Madam. MRS. J. Vital stickses! Yo’ caint steal no wood here, an’ yo’ caint puffo’m no suhgicla-opahrations, needah. My vitals is inside o’ me, an’ dare dey am a-gwine to merain. Does yo’ heah? We-all don’ need no suhgeons, ’tall. No, yo’ needn’t stayah at dat boy. Yo’ caint speriment wiv his insides. MR. C. But I am not a surgeon, Madam. I am the census man. MRS. J. Yo’ suttinly am a senseless man, but don’ try any capers heah, fo’ mah eyes is on yo’, an’ de carbin’ knife am mighty handy. Alexandah, yo’ drap dat yahn, and go find a p’licemans. Tell him we-all has got a luniac heah. Hump yo’se’f, now, whilst I watch him. (Exit Alex.) MR. C. (Calling.) Come back here, boy. It’s all right. MRS. J. (Calling.) Go ’long dare, yo’ heah me? (To Mr. C.) Now yo’ sit down an’ keep still, an’ dar shan’t nuffin huht yo’. But don’ yo’ come a ’step nighah. MR. C. I assure you, Madam, you are mistaken. I only want to ask a few questions, and write down your answers. MRS. J. Dat’s all right. Might as well ’muse yo’se’f dat way as any odah. What yo’ tink yo’ wan’ to know? MR. C. (Opening book.) What is your husband’s name? MRS. J. Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesar Johnsing. MR. C. Born? MRS. J. Co’se he war bohn! Yo’ don’ t’ink he growed on a melon vine, does yer? MR. C. I mean, where and when was he born? MRS. J. In his daddy’s cabin, in watermillion time. MR. C. Where was his daddy’s cabin? MRS. J. In de quahtahs, on ole Massa Johnsing’s place, down in Souf Ca’liny. MR. C. Before the war? MRS. J. Shuah. De yeah dey took Fort Sumter. I disremembah de numbah. MR. C. ’61. What is his occupation? MRS. J. Why I isn’t quite shuah, not to be sartin, sah. I t’ink he’s a bandmastah, but he may be jus’ a coalheavah. MR. C. But they are not at all alike. Where does he work? MRS. J. Dat’s jes’ it, sah. Ef I knowed dat, I’d know what he done be doin’. MR. C. But doesn’t he ever say? MRS. J. He nebah has, sah, not one bressed wohd, dough I’m a savin’ up to go to a mid-dle-um some day, and den I know. MR. C. A middle-um? MRS. J. Jes’ so. One ob dese yer hoodoo womans what conjer an call up de ha’nts to speak to dare folkses. MR. C. Oh, a medium! Then your husband is dead? MRS. J. He am dat. MR. C. How long? MRS. J. ’Bout fibe foot eight, sah. MR. C. I mean, how long has he been dead? MRS. J. Las’ wintah, sah, jes’ arter Chris’mus. (Enter Alexander, alone. He has been running.) ALEX. De p’licemans say dat it all right, Mammy. De gubmint sent him, an’ yo’ mus’ answer what he ax yo’ to. MRS. J. He’s drefful ’quis’tive, but if de Pres’dint send him, we-all mus’ put up wiv him, I spec’. MR. C. What is your name? MRS. J. Missus Johnsing, ob co’se. MR. C. What was your maiden name? (She looks puzzled.) I mean, before you were married. MRS. J. Oh, I war Miss Birdie Apple-Blossom. I war de bell ob de ball when I war a gal. MR. C. And where were you born? MRS. J. In de no’f, sah, in Philadelphy, de yeah Mars Aberaham Lincum made de darkies free. Dat nex’ summah, sah. MR. C. What is your occupation? MRS. J. Ise a laundry lady, sah——a do-uppah. I does up de ladies’ fine t’ings——laces, and lingry and sech. MR. C. How many children? MRS. J. ’Leben, sah. Dars Gawge Washin’ton Pompey Caesah, named fo’ his daddy——he’s daid; an’ dars Celia Agnes Rosabelle, she am mah’ied, an’ libes in Virginny. Den dar am Thucydides Plato an’ Aristides Pluto, de twins. Dey wo’k in a bah-bah shop in Newark, an’ Thomas Jefferson Jackson, he am a bell boy in a hotel in Washin’ton, an’ Lily Pearl Beryl, she am a lady’s maid, an’ trabels obah lan’ an’ sea in an ottah mower beely—one ob dem ar debble wagons, yo’ know. Less see, dat am how many? MR. C. Six. MRS. J. Nex’ am de triplets, Pollyanna, Susieanna and Roxieanna, dey am at school jes’ now, an’ Birdena Philopena Maud, she am at school, too, an’ dis yere pickaninny Alexandah Xerxes Napoleon Washin’ton, who am at hum, caze he been a habin’ de measles, an’ I don’ wan’ him to study ontwell Ise shuah his eyes are strong ’nuff. Teachahs am drefful hahd on chillun’s eyes. Now don’ yo’ go a-axin’ how old all dem chillunses is, caze I dunno. MR. C. Have you any property? MRS. J. Is yo’ all a tax-c’lectah? MR. C. No. MRS. J. Den it’s none ob yo’ bus’ness, an’ Ise tiah’d ob ans’in’ yo’ foolish questions so yo’ c’n jes’ take yo’ foot in yo’ han’ and go ’long. MR. C. But my dear— MRS. J. Don’ yo’ try to flirt wid me, you pasty-faced white man. MR. C. I have no such intentions, but— MRS. J. Den yo’ was in earnest when yo’ called me yo’ deah? Yo’ a-huntin’ fo’ a wife? MR. C. No indeed, madam. MRS. J. Yo’ mahied? MR. C. No, but— MRS. J. Den it all right, deah. I axcep’ yo’! Yo’ is shuah a fine lookin’ man, an’ Ise proud to be yo’ wife. MR. C. But my dear madam— MRS. J. Dat’s so, Ise yo’ deah, an’ yo’s mah honey. Let me hug yo’ once. MR. C. (Rising precipitately.) I must be going. MRS. J. Don’ yo’ hurry, honey boy. I wants ter ax yo’ some questions now. I’ll sit in yo’ lap while I does it. MR. C. (Going hastily out.) Excuse me, I see some one I must speak to. MRS. J. (Laughing heartily.) Ha, ha, ha! Did yo’ see me get rid ob dat fella wid his fool questions, Alexandah? Ho, ho, ho! As if I’d take a washed out white man in yo’ deah daddy’s shoes. Ho, ho, ho! He t’ought I was a-gwine ter kiss him! Run give him his book, sonny; he clean furgot it. Ho, ho, ho! Dat’s de way to get rid ob de Senses mans! He done made tracks libely when he t’ought I want him. Dat’s de besses joke dis yeah. I mus’ go tell Ca’liny Jackson, fo’ he gets to her house a-axin’ questions an’ peekin’ into her pribate ’fairs. Ho, ho, ho! But dat war a good one on de Senses man! (Goes out, laughing.) Best Entertainments for Any Time. Dialogs and Plays. =A CORNER IN HEARTS.= By Edna Randolph Worrell. Parlor play for 4 young men and 1 lady, or 5 men. Very amusing. All the lovers propose to the same girl. Rich humor; pleasing situations. Excellent for any time. 25 minutes. 15 cents. [Illustration] =A DAY AT HAPPY HOLLOW SCHOOL.= By Lettie Cook VanDerveer. A new play of the “Deestrick Skule” type. Up-to-date wit and clever drolleries. A city automobile party in contrast with rural youngsters. Lots of fun. Songs, etc., may be introduced. A capital play to make money for church or school. 25 cents. =A GOOSE AND SOME GEESE.= By Eleanor Stinchcomb. A Jolly Mother Goose play with a very pointed climax. For 5 girls and 7 boys. Time, 15 minutes. 15 cents. =A HALLOWE’EN ADVENTURE.= A lively play, by Effie Louise Koogle. Full of ghostly excitement and spooky frolic. Specially suited for social occasions. 8 males and 8 females, or more. 3 scenes. 1 hour. 15 cents. [Illustration] =A LITTLE HEROINE OF THE REVOLUTION.= A play for all ages. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. A little girl is sent ostensibly to play with a friend, but really to carry a message to General Marion. She is captured by the British, but by her cleverness deceives them, and reaches her destination. Full of historic interest. 10 males, 5 females. More boys may be added as soldiers, if desired. 25 cents. =AL MARTIN’S COUNTRY STORE.= A burlesque for from 15 to 30 participants, by Archibald Humboldt and Martelle Everett. Unsurpassed for merriment, taking qualities and ease of production. A country store with all its peculiar environments is depicted. The loafers, the small customers, the gossipers, the lovers, the innocent fun makers, all have parts. There is a graceful plot that gathers interest as the play proceeds and culminates in a brilliant climax. Unquestionably the greatest success as a popular entertainment. 25 cents. [Illustration] =CONTEST OF THE NATIONS, THE.= A spectacular play or cantata, by Elizabeth F. Guptill. The Goddess of Liberty and 12 nations compete for the laurel crown. It embraces a fine march; splendid songs by Archibald Humboldt. Very effective. 13 ladies. 25 cents. =CABBAGE HILL SCHOOL.= A humorous play for children or young people, by Elizabeth F. Guptill. Presents the trials of a new “skewl-marm” on the opening day, and the performances of the pupils in the presence of august visitors on closing day. A veritable mirth-provoker. Full of the richest humor. 10 males, 16 female characters (or less). 25c. =CROWNING THE MAY QUEEN.= A spectacular play by Elizabeth F. Guptill. Children go Maying, select and crown a queen, wind the Maypole, and have a merry time. The frolic is quickly changed to great excitement by the appearance of a gypsy, who attempts to abduct them. A very clever plot and a happy arrangement. 9 boys and 8 girls, or 17 girls. 25 cents. =CUPID’S JOKE.= A charming little drama in which Cupid plays an important part. A splendid society play for St. Valentine’s Day, or any social occasion. 5 male and 5 female characters, and Cupid. 3 scenes. 45 minutes. By Effie Louise Koogle. 15 cents. =DIALOGS FOR ANY TIME, ORIGINAL.= By Elizabeth F. Guptill. Interesting and amusing. May be given in any room with very few property requirements, by primary and intermediate grades. The author’s name is a guarantee of their excellence. They are witty, spicy and lively. 25 cents. =DISPELLING OF BIG JIM, THE.= A negro farce in one act, by Sterling C. Brewer. Decidedly humorous. Big Jim is being tried by the officials of Big Bethel Church for some misdemeanor. The trial is full of interesting occurrences and culminates in an exciting event. Full of darky humor. 8 male characters. 30 minutes. 15 cents. =DOCTOR AND PATIENT.= By John M. Drake. 2 male characters. Very funny. 5c. =DOIG’S EXCELLENT DIALOGS.= By Agnes M. Doig. Contains four excellent dialogs for the primary grades. “Keeping Store,” 3 girls, 1 boy. “Guessing,” 3 girls, 2 boys. “Playing School,” 4 boys, 4 girls. “Christmas Eve,” 3 girls, 2 boys. 10 cents. =DOLL DIALOG.= This is a very instructive dialog for 4 little girls. 5 cents. =DOLLY SHOW, THE.= A dialog in rhyme for 7 little girls and 2 boys. The girls have a baby show with their dollies, and each “mother” shows her baby off to the best advantage. The judge is unusually wise, awarding the prize to the satisfaction of each one. The sayings of the little ones are cute, and the whole performance a great success. 15 cents. =DOLLS’ SYMPOSIUM, THE.= A most unique and captivating play, by Elizabeth F. Guptill. It combines spicy dialog, fascinating drills, clever burlesque, entrancing songs and cunning antics. Children impersonate the dolls and do the most amusing stunts. Unequaled as a surprising fun maker. For any number from 16 to 50. One-half to one and one-half hours, as desired. 25 cents. =GOING TO MEET AUNT HATTIE.= A dialog by Mrs. Hunt. For 1 male and 3 female characters. 5 cents. =THE GOLDEN GOBLET.= An exceedingly clever farce, with female cast, for Bachelor Girls’ and Women’s Clubs, Sororities, etc., by Louise Rand Bascom, author of “The Masonic Ring.” Uproariously funny with absurd situations and comical elaborations. A “hit” for any occasion. Easy to produce. Any number of characters, but 12 required. 1 hr. 35c. [Illustration] =HEIR OF MT. VERNON, THE.= A Colonial Society Play for any occasion, in which Washington’s social life, sterling manhood and courteous manners are portrayed. In one scene Christmas is celebrated in rare plantation style. Lively with old plantation melodies and pranks. By Effie Louise Koogle. For grammar grades or adults. 4 scenes, 8 boys and 8 girls, or more will be better. 1 to 2 hours. 25 cents. =No entertainments sent on approval or exchanged.= THE LATEST ENTERTAINMENTS—JUST PUBLISHED =KRIS KRINGLE’S MINSTRELS.= By Effie Louise Koogle. The “totally different” Christmas entertainment. Add to the attractiveness of the minstrel show idea the distinction of having “His Royal Nibs” as Interlocutor, with equally unique personalities as End Men, endow them with a program flashing with fun, brilliant with beauty, enlivening with song and teeming with specialties, and you have a scream of delight from start to finish. The most novel novelty of the age. =25 cents.= =THE CRIMSON AND THE BLUE.= By Edith Palmer Painton. A class play in four acts and an epilog. 6 males, 6 females. We have prevailed upon the author to allow us to publish this remarkably successful commencement play, which has been leased in manuscript for several years, and which always scores a brilliant success. It is the highest type commencement play. Acting rights free to purchaser of 12 copies. =35 cents.= =VERA’S VACATION.= By Louise Rand Bascom. 4 males, 5 females. This accomplished author has done nothing better than this absorbing story of a summer vacation and the marvelous transformation of a grouchy father into a genial friend. The summer boarders are every one eccentric characters and the opportunities are immense. Clean, wholesome, elegant. Strongly recommended. =25c.= =THE CHARITY PUPIL.= By Misses Rice and Clark. 14 females. A boarding school episode lively with vivacious pranks and interesting situations. The plot is strong, and culminates in a happy surprise. Stunts and specialties introduced. A splendid class play. =25 cents.= =PETITE PLAYS.= A capital collection of the spiciest comic dialogs, comedies and farces by the best known writers in America. These plays are short, strong, pithy and witty, easy to give, and require only from two to six characters. Just right for schools. =30 cents.= =HUMOR UP-TO-DATE.= The cleverest humor of modern times. Monologs, readings and recitations, portraying the funny side of present-day notions and doings. Fresh, crisp, snappy. For all ages. =25 cents.= The Famous Five-Cent Funny Farces. =AUNT JERUSHA AND UNCLE JOSH.= By Effie Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These eccentric folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. =5 cents.= =AUNT LUCINDY STAYS.= By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters make lots of fun. Clever and clean. =5 cents.= =“BEAT IT!”= By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, the parson included. Oceans of fun. =5 cents.= =THE BUGTOWN BAND.= By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can imagine, and a little music which anybody can make. =5 cents.= =THE BUZZVILLE NEWS.= By Effie Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between the manager and new editor. A sure hit. =5 cents.= =BETTY AND BETSY.= By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy was advertised for sale, but he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. =5 cents.= =DOT ENTERTAINS.= By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister’s beau, and the things she tells him are a plenty. A big success. =5 cents.= =THE GOOSE FEATHER BED.= By Willis N. Bugbee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish and eccentric characters. Easy and amusing. =5 cents.= =THE LUNATIC OR THE PROFESSOR.= By Louise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. =5c.= =LOOK OUT FOR HEZIKIAH.= By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males, 1 female. Hayseed parents visit college dean. Splendid opportunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. =5c.= =LAUGHTER AND SONG.= By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with jolly songs, making a continuous funny story. =5 cents.= =MORE TIME OUT.= By Carolyn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant problem. The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but effective. =5 cents.= =OH, YOU TEACHER!= By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, showing the amateur teacher’s trials. Funny and well suited for schools. =5c.= =ONE ON THE AGENT.= By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright with telling repartee. Recommended for all occasions. =5 cents.= =THE “PHYSICAL TORTURE” CLUB.= By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 m. 2 f. Physical culture exercises for which Ma is too stout and Pa is too rheumatic. Killingly funny. =5 cents.= =RASTUS BLINK’S MINSTRELS.= By Effie Louise Koogle. For any number. His “Kinky Koons” are killing. The jolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. =5 cents.= =THE SQUASHVILLE FIRE BRIGADE.= By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, if desired. A brisk and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. =5 cents.= =“SCAT!”= By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her youth. Very laughable. =5 cents.= =SEEING THE ANIMALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, a suffragette, and a spoiled child make a lively time. A hit. =5 cents.= =THE STUPID WITNESS. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and have an awful time, but it’s fun for the audience. Swift and keen. =5 cents.= =THE TRAIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 2 females. Will they catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. =5 cents.= =WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptill. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation resulting from a misunderstanding. Irish dialect. =5 cents.= =No entertainments sent on approval or exchanged.= New York TULLAR-MEREDITH CO. Chicago POPULAR ENTERTAINMENTS =THE RAG SOCIABLE.= A Quaint old fashioned entertainment which is always sure to please. Libretto by Edith S. Tillotson. Music by various Composers. The dialog is very spicy and interesting, and humor and pathos are beautifully blended in the various musical selections. The characters include Mrs. Winters and her two daughters Betsy and Maria, Miss Jemima Rush, Mrs. Bassett, Mrs. Collins, Mrs. Salina Grey, the Allen twins (elderly), Mrs. Martha Ann Hall, Miss Eliza Hall, Mrs. Jane Tompkins and Amanda Tompkins. The list of characters may be extended ad. lib. to meet local conditions. A fine entertainment for a class of women or girls, Ladies’ Aid, Christian Endeavor and Epworth League Societies, etc. Price, 25 cents per copy. [Illustration] =LOVE FINDS THE WAY, or The Detective That Father Hired.= Music by Chas. H. Gabriel. Words by Rev. Wm. Danforth, author of “The Old District School,” etc. A highly amusing farcical song-skit, with four characters: A Determined Young Lover, an Irate Father, a Daughter with a Will of Her Own, and an Aiding and Abetting Mother—parts: tenor, basso, soprano and alto. This composition consists of singing and dialog for each part and will serve to enliven any entertainment. The music is moderately easy, melodious and should be available in practically all communities. This work consists of some 12 pages in sheet music form. The story is as follows: A father, who objects to his daughter having a beau, believing that she is planning to elope with an unknown young man, advertises for a detective to ferret the matter out. The young lover answers the advertisement, and the father hires him to detect the culprit, promising to pay him “anything within reason.” When the young lover’s true identity is disclosed, he demands as his reward, for having detected himself, the hand of the daughter. The irate father objects. The daughter eventually convinces him that true love was the real detective in the case, and the parental consent is given. Price, $1.50; 50 per cent discount. =THE OLD DISTRICT SCHOOL.= A farce in two acts (new version). Book by Wm. Danforth. Music arr. by Geo. F. Rosche. This is a burlesque on the district school of 100 years ago. Ezekiel Simpkins, the teacher, is the central character. His costume is a tight Prince Albert coat, with brass buttons, or a worn and faded “claw-hammer” coat, colored vest cut low; stock collar, with large black tie; trousers, “high-water,” with a patch of other color on one knee; well-worn shoes. Bald gray wig and “side” whiskers. The costumes of the pupils are in keeping with those of the teacher. The characters all read their lines from the book, so that there is very little to be memorized and for this reason this work can be prepared in a very short time. Price, postpaid, 50 cents per copy. =THE CHAPERON.= A humorous Operetta in three Acts. Libretto by Wm. Danforth. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Chaperon” is a humorous operetta designed for church choir and young people’s societies. It will be found available in all communities in which seven young men and seven young ladies who sing can be found. The music is bright, tuneful, easy to learn and easy to remember. The dialogue is witty, clean, wholesome and entertaining. Price, postpaid, 60 cents per copy. =THE VISION OF HENSEL.= An evening with the old songs. The old songs of childhood, youth, love, war and home. Libretto by Ellan N. Wood. There is no friend like an old friend and after all there are no songs we love quite so much as the old ones. This cantata furnishes a beautiful medium for the introduction of the old songs which we all know and love. There is just enough libretto to the work to form a continuous chain of thought throughout, and we know of no cantata that will afford such a pleasing entertainment at such a small expenditure of labor. The book is well worth its price if only to secure this fine collection of old home songs. Full of sentiment, humor and pathos and decidedly new and fresh in construction. Price, 30 cents per copy, postpaid; $3.00 per dozen, not prepaid; add 3 cents per copy for postage. [Illustration] =THE SPINSTERS’ CLUB.= A humorous operetta in two acts. Libretto by Harriet D. Castle. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Spinsters’ Club” is a humorous operetta designed for church choirs and young people’s societies. It will be found available in all communities in which a church choir is found. The music is bright, tuneful, and yet easy to learn and memorize. The dialogue is witty, pleasing and entertaining. Price, postpaid 60 cents per copy. =A returnable sample copy of any of the above mailed on receipt of 3 cents for postage; to be returned postpaid or paid for in Thirty days.= * * * * * ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS =NEARER MY GOD TO THEE.= Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This is a particularly fine production and lends itself admirably for a twelve-minute addition to an evening’s entertainment in the church or hall. The instructions are very clear so that this pantomime may be prepared by anyone with ordinary talent or ability. The fourteen full figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help. The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed voices; also an original quartet for voices of women and an original setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto by J. S. Fearis, thus furnishing a variety of music found in no other publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. “Not sent on examination.” =IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR.= Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This pantomime will be particularly interesting during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or other entertainments. The directions are very elaborate, enabling any person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete, consisting of a hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for voices of both women and men: also a very fine duet soprano and alto; the latter by Chas. H. Gabriel. Price, 40 cents per copy postpaid. “Not sent on examination.” New York TULLAR-MEREDITH CO. Chicago NEW PLAYS By Elizabeth F. Guptill =The School at Mud Hollow.= A burlesque in two parts. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents. [Illustration] PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties encountered by Miss Arabella Pinkham, who has come to “Mud Hollow” to assume the responsible duties of “Teacher” in the school. In selecting “Mud Hollow” she seeks a change from the city life she is accustomed to, and finds plenty of it in the manners, customs and dialect of the pupils. From start to finish there is nothing but fun. PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class by the Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the pupils. Part II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the finest fun possible. “The School at Mud Hollow” may be given in one evening, but for those who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or to give only one part, we offer the same work announced below under the title of “_The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School_” and “_The Last Day at Mud Hollow School_” either of which can be given as a complete entertainment without regard to the other one. =The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. =The Last Day at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. =Santa’s Rescue= [Illustration] Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children, one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the inscription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by placing the papers together they have the message that the “Old Witch” of the North has captured “Santa” and holds him in an ice prison at the North Pole. Of course there could be no “Merry Christmas” without their “patron saint”, so guided by the “Fairy Godmother” they start for the North Pole to rescue him. The “Old Witch” endeavors to block the rescuers’ way by the assistance of “Old Zero” and the “Snow Fairies” but when they learn that the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid in keeping “Santa” from his usual Christmas activities they get the “Sunbeam Fairies” to come to their aid and melt the snow, while they bind with a frozen cord the “Old Witch,” who is found indulging in a nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the “Old Witch” powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter. Tho’ belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the children are glad to become his “aides” in spreading a “Merry Christmas” through all the world. This is a very clever plot, well worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4 Boys and 5 Girls with any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. FARCES =Taking the Census.= Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs. Almira Johnson, a “cullud lady,” and her young son Alexander. Three characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents. [Illustration] =Answering the Phone.= Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most trying experience with Nora Flanagan, the new “hired girl,” who in their absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special reference to “answering the phone.” The final situation in which Nora makes a date with Miss Courtney’s “intended” is ridiculous in the extreme. 3 females. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents. =The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister.= They have a delightful time telling family secrets to the “New Minister,” who has called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their mother to find out from her if she is “In,” for so often she is “Out” when she is “In” and “In” when she is “Out.” 2 Males and 1 Female. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents. =NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT “ON EXAMINATION”= * * * * * Transcriber’s Notes: Obvious punctuation errors repaired. The text of the inside cover, “Best Entertainments for Any Time,” was repeated on page seven of the text. The first instance of this page was deleted from this version to avoid unnecessary repetition. Inside back cover, “particuarly” changed to “particularly” (particularly interesting during) End of Project Gutenberg's Taking the Census, by Elizabeth F. Guptill *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TAKING THE CENSUS: A FARCE *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that: • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works. • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org. This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.