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Title: Happiness and Marriage

Author: Elizabeth Towne

Release date: November 1, 2003 [eBook #10063]
                Most recently updated: December 19, 2020

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Sjaani and PG Proofreaders


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HAPPINESS AND MARRIAGE ***




Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Sjaani and PG Proofreaders




HAPPINESS AND MARRIAGE

BY

ELIZABETH TOWNE



"The inner side of every cloud
   Is bright and shining;
I therefore turn my clouds about,
   And always wear them inside out--
To show the lining."

--_James Whitcomb Riley_.


"And I will show that there is no imperfection in the
  present, and can be none in the future,
And I will show that whatever happens to anybody
  it may be turned to beautiful results."

--_Walt Whitman_.



1904


CHAPTER I.


TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED.

"Some dear relatives of mine proposed Ada as my future bride. I like Ada
and I gladly accepted the offer, and I mean to wed her about the middle
of this year. Is this a working of the Law of Attraction? I want to make
our married life happy and peaceful. I long for a wedded life of pure
blessedness and love and joy without even a pinhead of bitterness ever
finding lodgment in our household. How can I attain this state of peace?
This is what I now do: I enter into the Silence daily at a particular
hour and enjoy the mental picture of how I desire to be when married. Am
I right? Please tell me how to make my ideal real." Tudor, Island of
Ceylon.

The above letter comes from a member of the Success Circle who is a
highly cultured and interesting looking native East Indian. We have a
full length photo of him in native costume.

He asks if "this is the working of the Law of Attraction." Certainly it
is. Just as the sun acts through a sheet of glass so the Law of
Attraction acts through the conventionalities of a race. Whatever comes
together is drawn together by the Law. Whatever is held together is held
by that same Law of Attraction.

This is just as true in unhappy marriages as in happy ones. If two
people are distinctly enough individualized; that is, if they understand
and command themselves sufficiently; their attraction and marriage will
bring to them only pleasure. If they are not distinctly enough
individualized there will be a monkey-and-parrot experience whilst they
are working out the wisdom _for which they were attracted_.

When soda and sour milk are drawn together there is a great stew and
fizz, but the end thereof is sweetness and usefulness. So with two
adverse and uncontrolled natures; but out of the stew comes added
wisdom, self-command and rounded character for each.

When each has finished the work of helping the other to develop they
will either find themselves _really_ in love with each other, or they
will fall apart. _Some stronger attraction will separate them at the
right time_--perhaps through divorce, perhaps through death.

_All_ our goings and comings are due to the Law of Attraction. The Law
of Attraction giveth, and it taketh away. _Blessed_ is the Law. _Let_ it
work. And forget not that _all_ things are due to its working.

This does not mean that the Law has no way of working _except_ through
the conventionalities of a people. Many times the attraction is to break
away from the conventional. _The stronger attraction always wins_--
whatever is, is _best_ for _that time and place_.

"Tudor" says he "enters into the silence daily at a particular hour and
enjoys the mental picture of how he desires to be when married."

His success all depends upon the _equity_ in that picture; upon its
truth to the law of being.

An impractical idealist lives in the silence with beautiful pictures of
"how he desires to be when married." When he gets married there isn't a
single detail of his daily experience which is like his mental picture.
He is sadly disappointed and perhaps embittered or discouraged.

It all depends upon the picture. If Tudor's picture contains a benignant
lord and master and a sweet little Alice Ben Bolt sort of wife who shall
laugh with delight when he gives her a smile and wouldn't hurt his
feelings for a farm; who does his bidding before he bids and is always
content with what he is pleased, or able, to do for her; if this is the
style of Tudor's mental picture he is certainly doomed to
disappointment.

I have a suspicion that Tudor is a natural born teacher. His mental
pictures may represent himself as a dispenser of moral and mental
blessings. He may see Ada sitting adoringly at his feet, ever eager to
learn. If so there will certainly be disappointment. East Indian girls
may be more docile than American girls; East Indian men may be better
and wiser lords and masters; but "Ada" is a Human Being before she is an
East Indian; and a Human Being instinctively revolts from a life passed
in leading strings. If Tudor continues to remind her that he is her
schoolmaster she will certainly revolt; inwardly if not outwardly.
Whether the revolt comes inwardly or outwardly harmony is doomed.

The first principle of happy marriage is _equality_. The second
principle is _mutual confidence_, which can NEVER exist without the
first.

I do not mean by "equality" what is usually meant. One member of the
married twain may be rich, the other poor in worldly goods; one an
aristocrat, the other plebeian; one educated, the other unschooled; and
yet they may be to each other what they are in _truth_, equals.

Equality is a _mental state_, not a matter of birth or breeding, wisdom
or ignorance. The TRUTH is that _all_ men and women are equal; all are
sparks of the One Life; all children of the one highly aristocratic
"Father"; all heirs to the wisdom and wealth of the ages which go to
make up eternity.

But all men and women are more or less unconscious, in spots at least,
of this truth. They spend their lives "looking down" upon each other.
Men "look down" upon their wives as "weak" or "inferior," and women look
down upon their husbands as "animals" or "great brutes." Men are
contemptuous of their wives visionariness, and women despise their
husbands for "cold and calculating" tendencies.

Every man and woman values certain qualities highly, and in proportion
as another fails to manifest these particular qualities he is classed as
"low," and his society is not valued.

This is the great source of trouble between husbands and wives. Each
values his or her own qualities and despises the other's. So _in their
own minds_ they are not equal, and the first principle of harmony is
missing.

The real truth is that in marriage a man is schoolmaster to his wife
_and she is equally schoolmistress to him._ This is true in a less
degree, of _all_ the relationships of life.

The Law of Attraction draws people together _that they may learn_.

There is but one Life, which is growth in wisdom and knowledge.

There is but one Death, _which is refusal to learn_.

If husbands and wives were equals _in their own minds_ they would not
despise each other and _refuse to learn_ of each other.

The Law of Attraction, or Love, almost invariably attracts opposites,
and for their own good. A visionary, idealistic woman is drawn to a
practical man, where, kick and fuss and despise each other as they will,
she is bound to become more practical and he more idealistic. They
exchange qualities in spite of themselves; each is an unconscious agent
in rounding out the character and making more abundant the life of the
other.

Much of this blending of natures is accomplished through passion, the
least understood of forces. And the children of a union of opposites,
even where there is _great_ contempt and unhappiness between the
parents, are almost invariably _better balanced_ than _either_ of the
parents.

I cannot believe that unhappy marriages are "mistakes" or that they
serve no good purpose. The Law of Attraction draws together those who
need each other at that particular stage of their growth. The
unhappiness is due to their own foolish _refusal_ to learn; and this
refusal is due to their contempt for each other. They are like naughty
children at school, who cry or sulk and refuse to work out their
problems. Like those same naughty children they _make themselves_
unhappy, and fail to "pass" as soon as they might.

Remember, that contempt for each other is at the very bottom of all
marital unhappiness. The practical man despises his wife's impulsive
idealism and tries to make her over. The wife despises his "cold and
calculating" tendencies and tries to make him over. That means war, for
it is impossible to make over _anybody but yourself_.

_Because_ the man despises his wife's tendencies and she despises his,
it never occurs to either to try making over _themselves_, thus helping
along the very thing they were drawn together for.

If Tudor's picture holds two people who are _always_ equal though
utterly different; whose future actions are an unknown quantity to be
taken as they come and each action to be met in a spirit of _respect_
and inquiry, with a view to understanding and learning from it; if over
and through all his picture Tudor spreads a glow of _purpose_ to
preserve _his own_ respect and love _for her_, at all costs;--if this is
the sort of picture Tudor makes in the silence he will surely realize it
later.

It requires but one to strike the keynote of respect and personal
freedom in marriage; the other will soon come into harmony.

You can readily see that all marital jars come from this lack of
equality in the individual mind. If a man thinks he is perfectly able to
take care of and to judge for himself he resents interference from
another. On the other hand if he believes his wife is equally able to
judge for _herself_, he _never_ thinks of interfering with her actions.
Of course the same is true of the wife. It is lack of respect and
confidence which begets the making-over spirit in a family, and from
this one cause arises all in harmony.

Individual freedom is the _only_ basis for harmonious action; not only
in marriage but in all other relationships of life.

And individual freedom _cannot_ be granted by the man or woman who
considers his or her judgments superior to the judgments of another. A
man _must_ accord his wife _equal_ wisdom and power with himself, else
he _cannot_ free her to act for herself. A woman must accord her husband
that same equality, or she _cannot_ leave him free.

It is human (and divine) nature to correct what we believe to be wrong.
Only in believing that the other "king (or queen) can do no wrong," lies
the possibility of individual freedom, in marriage or out.

The man or woman who knows he or she is believed in and trusted is very
careful to _deserve_ that trust. Did you know that? The sure way to have
your wishes consulted is to exalt and appreciate the other party. Did
you know that a man or woman will cheerfully sacrifice his or her own
opinions in order to retain the respect and love of the other? But if he
thinks the respect and love of the other party is growing less he will
give free reign to his own desires.

Married people "grow apart" for the one reason that they find fault with
each other. Of course it begins by their being disrespectful to each
other's faults, but it soon develops into disrespect of each other. From
"looking down" upon a husband's faults it is only a few short steps to
looking down upon _him_. His faults keep growing by recognition, and his
good points keep shrivelling for lack of notice, until _in your_ _mind_
there is nothing left but faults. From trying to make him over you come
to despair, and give him up as an altogether bad job.

And there isn't a grain of sense in all this madness. Stick to the TRUTH
and you will get rid of the madness and the friction, too. The truth is
that your husband, or your wife, would be an egregious _fool_ to follow
your judgments. You don't know beans from barley corn when it comes to
the actions of anybody but yourself. The One Spirit which enlightens
_you_ as to _your_ actions is also enlightening your other half as to
_her_ actions; and do you suppose this Spirit is going to favor _you_
with better judgment about your other half's duties, than it has given
_her?_ I guess _not_. Don't be presumptuous, my boy. Do you own little
best, and _trust_ your other half to do hers. Trust that she _is_ doing
the best.

And above all trust the One Spirit to run you both.

If you do this your wife will _rise fast_ in your esteem. And the higher
she finds herself in your esteem the harder she will try to please you--
and rise higher.

And, girls, don't forget that the shoe fits equally well the other foot.
Either man or wife can bring harmony out of chaos simply by _respecting_
the other half _and all his or her acts_.

A marriage without "even a pinhead of bitterness" is a marriage without
a pin-point of fault-finding, mental or oral.




CHAPTER II.


A TALE OF WOE.

"Why is it that, in more than two-thirds of families the wife and mother
bears not only the children but the burdens and heartaches? The husband
supplies the _money_ (generally not enough), the wife has the care of a
growing and increasing family, the best of everything is saved for
'Father' and he is waited on, etc. If the children annoy him he goes to
his club; if the wife dies, why there are plenty more women for the
asking. Thousands of women are simply starving for Love and men are
either willfully blind or wholly and utterly selfish. You possibly know
that this is quite true. Another thing that has caused me many a time to
question everything: During the Christmas holidays many times I have
seen half-clad, hungry, shivering little ones gazing longingly into the
wonderful show windows, wanting probably just one toy, while children no
more worthy drive by in carriages, having more than they want. Love,
home, mother, everything; on the other hand hunger, want, blues (many
times), and both God's children. Let us hear what you have to say about
this." B. B.

Why does the mother in two-thirds of the families bear not only the
children but the burdens and heartaches? _Because she is too thoughtless
and inert not to_. It is _easier_ to submit to bearing children than it
is to rise up and take command of her own body. It is easier to carry
burdens than to wake up and _fire_ them. It is easier to "bear" things
and grumble than it is to kick over the traces and _change_ them. To be
sure, most women are yet under the hypnotic spell of the old race belief
that it is woman's duty to "submit" herself to any kind of an old
husband; but that is just what I said--women find it easier to go
through life half asleep rather than to _think_ for themselves. Paul
says a woman is _not_ to think, she is to ask her husband to think for
her. (At least that is what the translators _say_ Paul says. Privately,
I have my suspicions that those manly translators helped Paul to say a
bit more than he meant to.) It is _easier_ to let her husband think for
her even when she doesn't like his thoughts. So she uses her brain in
_grumbling_ instead of thinking.

People who don't think are ruled by _feeling_. Women feel. They feel not
only for themselves but for other people. They shoulder the burdens of
the whole family and a few outside the family. They do it themselves--
because it is _easier_ to feel than to think. Nobody walks up to a woman
and says, "Here--I have a burden that's very heavy--_you_ carry it
whilst I go off and have a good time." No. The woman simply _takes_ the
burden and hugs it and "feels" it--and _prides herself on doing it_. And
maybe the thing _she_ hugs as a burden is no burden at all to the other
people in the family. My dear, women as a rule are chumps. They'd rather
feel _anything_ than to _think_ the right thing.

Now I'd like to know if you think a woman who has made herself round-
shouldered and wrinkled and sour-visaged over burdens--_anybody's_
burdens, real or fancied--is such a creature as attracts love or
consideration from _anybody_. Of course she is not. It is no wonder she
receives no love or consideration from her husband or anybody else. She
has made a pack mule out of herself for the carrying of utterly useless
burdens that nobody _wants_ carried and the carrying of which benefits
nobody; and now that she has grown ugly and sour at the business she
need not feel surprised at being slighted. And she need not blame folks
for slighting her. _She_ assumed the burdens; _she_ carried them; _she_
wore herself out at it; it is all her own fault. It was _easier_ for her
to feel, and grumble, than to wake up and THINK, and change things.

Nobody who _thinks_ will carry a single burden for even a single day. He
knows that fretting and worrying and grumbling only _double the burden_
and accomplish nothing.

Woman has _built herself_ for bearing children and burdens. When she
gets tired of her bargain she will _think her way out of the whole
thing_. In the meantime the harder the burdens grow the more quickly she
will revolt and make of herself something besides a burden bearer.

It is all nonsense to talk about the men being "willfully blind or
wholly and utterly selfish." No man _wants_ a burden-bearing, round-
shouldered, wrinkled and fagged-out wife. No man respects or loves a
woman who will "submit" to bearing unlimited burdens or babies either.
And if a woman "submits" and yet keeps up a continual grumbling and
nagging about it, a man simply despises her.

What every man _hopes_ for when he marries a woman, is that she will be
a bright, trim, _reasonable comrade._ If she is even half-way that she
will get all the love and consideration she can long for. But in three-
quarters of the cases of marriage the woman degenerates into a whining
bundle of _thought-less_ FEELINGS done up in a slattern's dress and
smelling like a drug-shop. Her husband in despair gives up trying to
understand her, or to love her either.

The woman in such a case is apt to suffer most. Why not? _She makes it
the business of her life to "suffer."_ She _prides_ herself on how much
she has had to "suffer," and "bear." She cultivates her "feelings" to
the limit. A man thinks it "unmanly" to _give way_ to "feelings." So he
uses all his wits to keep from doing so, and to enable him to hide his
own disappointment and make the best of life as he finds it.

A man uses his best _judgment_ when he meets disappointment. A woman
trots out her "feelings" and her best pocket-handkerchief, and calls in
the neighbors. So the woman gets the lion's share of "sympathy"--which
means that all the other women get out _their_ best handkerchiefs and
try to imagine just how _they_ would "feel" if in her place.

Of course there _are_ exceptions. I _have_ heard of men who wept and
retailed their woes; and I have heard of women with gumption.

The woman who wrote the letter at the head of this chapter is a feel-er,
not a thinker. She looks at the forlorn, bedraggled specimens of her own
sex and "_feels_" with them, never THINKING that the women themselves
have anything to do with making their conditions. She "feels" with the
woman because _she_ is a woman. Being an unthinking creature she cannot
"feel" for the man at all.

Woman is the weaker creature for no other reason than that she lives in
her "feelings."

Man is the stronger for no other reason than that he uses his wits and
his will to _control_ his feelings. "B. B." has seen children gazing
into shop windows. Immediately she imagines how _she_ would "feel" if in
their places. She does not stop to THINK that in all probability the
simple act of gazing into the window may bring more real joy to those
children than the _possession_ of the whole windowful of toys would
bring to some rich man's child. She does not _think_ that life consists
not in possessions or environment, but in the _ability to use_
possessions or environment. If she were an Edwin Abbey or a Michael
Angelo she would gaze on our chromo-bedecked walls and work herself up
into a great state of "feeling" because we had to have such miserable
daubs instead of real works of art. If she saw us gazing on an Abbey or
Angelo picture she would weep tears to think we couldn't have such
pictures instead of those hideous bright chromos on our walls. It would
never occur to her that we might be privately comparing her Abbeys and
Angelos with our chromos, _and wondering how anybody could possibly see
beauty in the Abbeys and Angelos_.

About nine-tenths of women's so-called "sympathy" is just about as
foolish and misplaced as that. If "B. B." would go up and get acquainted
with some of those small youngsters she sees gazing into the shop
windows she would find some of her illusions dispelled. She would find
among them less "longing" than she thinks, and more wonder and criticism
and pure curiosity--such as she would find in her own heart if she were
gazing at a curio collection.

I remember a large family of very small boys that I used to "feel" for,
very deeply. Poor little pinched, ragged looking fellows they were, and
always working before and after school hours. I gave them nickels and
dimes and my children's outgrown clothes, and new fleece lined gloves
for their blue little hands. They kept the clothes hung up at home and
the gloves stuffed in their pants pockets. And one day I discovered that
every one of those small youngsters had a _bank account_--something I
had never had in my life! They lived as they _liked_ to live, and I had
been harrowing my feelings and carrying their (?) burdens for nothing.

This world is _not_ a pitiful place. It is a lovely great world, full of
all sorts of people, every one of whom _exactly fits into_ his
conditions.

And the loveliest thing of all about this bright, blessed old world is
that there is not a man, woman or child in it who cannot _change_ his
environment if he doesn't like the one he now occupies. He can THINK his
way into anything.

A real, deep, tender feeling will prompt one to do all he can to
alleviate distress or add to the world's joy. _Real_ feeling prompts to
action. But this sentimental slush which slops over on anything and
everything in general is nothing but an imitation of the real thing. To
sympathize to the extent of _acting_ is good; to harrow up the feelings
when you cannot or will not act, is simply weakness.

"Feeling" is subject to the same law as water. Take away its banks and
it spreads all over creation and becomes a stagnant slough of despond.
Confine it by banks of _common-sense_ and _will_ and it grows deep and
tender and powerful, and bears blessings on its bosom.

The professional pity-er is adding to the sum total of the world's
misery.

The world is like "sweet Alice Ben Bolt"; it laughs with delight when
you give it a smile, and gets out its pocket handkerchief to weep with
you when you call it "Poor thing!"

Then it cuts its call short and runs around the corner to tell your
neighbor what a tiresome old thing you are anyway.

Never you mind the tribulations you can't help, dearie. Just wake up and
_be_ the brightest, happiest, sweetest thing you know how to be, and the
world will-be that much better off.


CHAPTER III.


TO BE LOVED.


"I desire to attract love from the Infinite or somewhere,
that I may not be starved for it, as I have been
ever since I married. My husband sneers at the New
Thought, and in fact at nearly all that is best in me."

Caroline.


And yet this woman has children to love her. She thinks she is in need
of being loved; but what she really needs is _to love_. Being loved is
the _effect_ of loving. A loving man or woman can never want for love.
Others turn to them in love as naturally as flowers turn to the sun.

In order to be loved you must _radiate_ love. Instead of trying to
attract the love of others, seek to _give_ your love to others,
_expecting nothing in return_. After a time you will find the unexpected
coming to you spontaneously.

Learn to love by loving _all_ people and _things_, and especially all
things you find to do.

This same Caroline wants to "rise above drudgery." What _is_ drudgery?
_It is simply unloved work_--nothing more nor less. _Any_ work which is
looked down upon, and which is done with the hands _whilst the heart and
mind are criticizing it_, and running out after other things,--_any_
work thus done is drudgery. Work done with the hands _and a small and
unwilling part_ of the mind, is drudgery. To her who _respects_, and
_loves_, and does with a will what she finds to do, there is
no drudgery.

Let the woman who longs to be loved begin to _love_, by practicing on
her work. To quit calling it "drudgery"; to put _all_ her mind and will
and _soul_ into _each_ piece of work as it comes; is the first and
longest step toward loving it. It is an easily demonstrated fact that we
learn to love anything we persist in doing with a whole-souled will.

To love our work enlarges our capacity for loving people, and the more
we love people, _and the more people we love_, the more radiant
we become.

It is the radiant lover whom all the world loves. Do you know that love
and the lack of love are governed by "auto-suggestion"? It is _natural_
to love, as every child does. But as we grow up we keep saying to
ourselves (this is auto-suggestion, you know) that we "don't like this,"
and we "don't like that," until really we _shut up_ our love and live in
a continual state of "don't like"--a state which in due time develops
into _hate_--hate for self as well as others. "Don't like" does it all.

Now _cultivate_ love by auto-suggestion. Keep saying, "I _like_ this,"
and "I like that." _Hunt_ for things to like, and even tell yourself you
like things when you don't _feel_ that you like them at all.

Feeling is a _result_ of suggestion. Nothing easier to prove than that.
A hypnotist can, by suggestion, make you feel almost anything, whether
it is true or not. He will say, "You feel sad," and straightway you will
feel so. Then he will say, "You feel happy," and you do. Your feelings
are like a harp, and your _statements_, or auto-suggestions, are the
fingers which pick the strings. Take good care to play the tunes you
_want_--to say you _like_ things, or love them. Then you will quickly
respond and _feel_ that you like or love them. Keep _practicing_ until
you love _all_ the time. Then you will _be_ loved to your
heart's content.



CHAPTER IV.

THE PHARISEE UP-TO-DATE.

As long as you continue to hug the delusion that you are "not to blame"
for the unpleasant things in your conditions you might just as well
profess the old thought as the new. The very fundamental principle of
mental science is the statement that _man is a magnet and able to
attract what he will_. To repudiate this statement is to knock the props
out from under the whole philosophy. Better stay an old-thoughter and
let Jesus suffer for your sins and those of your relatives and friends.
At least Jesus _took_ the sins of the world to bear, all of his own free
will. There is some comfort in letting Jesus do what he chose to do.

But you have turned away from Jesus as a scapegoat. You refuse to lay
your burdens on him who offered to bear them; and you refuse to bear
them yourself. Instead you distribute them around among your relations
and friends and then fret your soul because they won't accept your
distributions. Of course you excuse yourself by acknowledging "your
share of responsibility" for the unpleasantness of conditions, but if
you will examine carefully you will find that your portion of the
responsibility includes most of the _good_ things in your conditions,
whilst you have portioned off almost _all_ the responsibility for the
_bad_ things among your protesting--or indifferent--relatives. You
always say, "_I_ try so hard," but you never balance that with, "_He_
tries so hard,"--"_They_ try so hard." You get all the I-try-items in
your own pile and the don't-try-items in other folk's piles. "_If_ it
were not for Tom and Dick and Harry and Fan you would do wonders--_if_
they'd only treat you with _half_ the consideration other people give
you, or half _they_ give other people!--_if!--if!_"

I wonder why they don't indeed! It is just because you are you, _and you
attract your own particular kind of treatment_. To all intents and
purposes Tom, Dick, Harry and Fan are a punch and Judy show and _you
pull the strings_. When other people pull the strings there's a
different sort of show. YOU are the motive power in _all their treatment
of you_. Not a tone or look or act of theirs in your direction but _you_
are responsible for; it was _you_ and no other who drew them to you;
and it is you and no other who hold them there.

Now don't say, "I don't see _how_!" Of course not--_you haven't wanted
to see how_--you've been too intent justifying yourself. And anyway, it
takes an open mind, and some time, and much _faith_ to enable us to see
the _principles_ of things. We have to _act_ as if they were so, a long
time before we see that they are. If you had _acted_ upon the principle
that you are a magnet and that _all_ that comes to you comes by your
attraction, you'd have long ago had your eyes opened to "see how." And
you'd have made progress and _changed your conditions_.

_If you are ever going to be a magnet you are one now._ If you are ever
going to be able to attract to the hair's breadth whatsoever you will
_then you are doing it now_. There will be no miraculous change in the
running gear of this universe to enable you to attract what you want.

_What you now are in essence and working principle you have always been,
and you will always be--the same yesterday, today and forever--a
self-made_ MAGNET, _working to the hair's breadth_.

ONLY BY CHANGING THE QUALITY OF YOUR MAGNETISM CAN YOU CHANGE YOUR
ENVIRONMENT AND ATTRACT DIFFERENT TREATMENT FROM TOM, DICK, HARRY
AND FAN.

Sweetness within brings sweetness without. You have been more or less
bitter and self-justifying within, and Tom, Dick, Harry and Fan have
danced to the strings you pulled.

As long as you think _you_ try and they don't; as long as you think
_your_ judgment superior to theirs; _your_ ideals loftier and worthier;
_your_ ways better; you will get from them responses of carelessness,
bitterness, lack of consideration, selfishness.

_You_ are inconsiderate of _their_ ideas, ideals, judgments and ways;
_in self-preservation_ they are inconsiderate of yours. If you had your
way they'd be pretty little putty images of _your_ ideals, judgments,
wishes, ways and feelings. The Law of Individuality prevents your
imposing yourself on them. You think you are finding fault with _their_
"lack of consideration"; _you are really condemning the law of being_.

If you are ever to be a magnet you are one NOW. _All_ that comes _is_
"your fault." If anything different comes it will come through _your_
change of mental attitude and action.

It will not do to throw it on "Karma" either, and say you are receiving
now the unpleasant things deserved in a previous state of existence. The
mills of the gods grind slowly but they are not so dead slow as all
that. What you thought and did in a previous state has determined your
parentage and childhood environment in this. But the pangs you suffer
today have their roots in yesterday or day before, or the year before
that. Cause and effect trip close upon each other's heels--so close that
the careless or ignorant observer misses the trip. He exaggerates the
_effect_ if it be an unhappy one, and goes nosing for a bigger cause
than the real one. How could _his_ little slip of this morning, or
yesterday, be the cause of this _terrible_ evil which has befallen
him?--and he slides completely over the real cause. _And keeps on
repeating it_.

Self-righteousness, by blinding your eyes to the truth, is the direct
cause of the most gigantic and the most subtle miseries of the world.
These awfully good people who fully realize how hard they have always
tried to do right, are the unhappiest people in the world--unless I
except Tom, Dick, Harry and Fan, the victims of these self-righteous
reformers. No, I can't even except these; for they at least generally
succeed in having their own way in spite of the would-be reformer. But
what so utterly disheartening as continued _lack of success_? And the
self-righteous one never succeeds. It is hard, _hard_, to be so wise and
willing, with such _high_ ideals (the self-righteous one in» strong on
ideals), and _never_ to succeed in making Tom, Dick and Harry conform to
them. Do you see why Jesus said so often, "Woe comes to the Pharisee"
--the self-righteous? And why he called them hypocrites? Of course they
are unconscious of their hypocrisy--self-righteousness blinds them to
the truth; they think _others_ are to blame for most of the
self-righteous one's own hard conditions.

The self-righteous one is doomed to a tread-mill of petty failures. He
goes round and round his own little personal point of view and
learns nothing.

It is by getting at the _other fellow's_ point of view that we learn
things--about him and ourselves, too. When the self-righteous one wakes
up to the _fact_ that the world is _full_ of people whose points of view
are _just exactly_ as right and wise and ideal as his own; and begins to
_feel with_, and PULL WITH these other people, instead of against them;
when he does this he will find himself out of the treadmill to _stay_.
As he shows a disposition to consider _other_ people's ideals and help
others in the line _they_ want to go, he will find the whole world eager
to help _him_ in the way _he_ wants to go. The self-righteous one works
alone and meets defeat. The one who, recognizing his own righteousness
_in intent_, yet forgets not that _others are even as he,_ is the true
friend and _be_-friended, of all the world.

Now don't let this homily slip off _your_ shoulders. We are _all_
self-righteous in spots, and none of us is so _very_ wise that he cannot
by self-examination and readjustment learn a lot more.

Each soul _in its place_ is wisest and best. Don't _you_ try to get into
the pilot house and steer things for Tom, Dick, or Harry. Stay in your
own and steer clear of the rocks of anger, malice, revenge, _resentment,
re-sistance,_ INTERFERENCE and _immoderation_.



CHAPTER V.

SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR.

"Help me to make things go forward instead of backward. I want to be
neat and attractive, with a good head of hair, a good complexion and
good health. I want to help my husband so he will fall in love with me
to make home beautiful, attractive and comfortable. I want bright eyes
and freedom from that careworn look. Oh, I want to draw my husband
nearer to me." (From a Taurus woman, aged twenty-seven.)

Isn't that pitiful? And heaven knows--or ought to--how many poor women,
_and men, too_, live with that same dumb longing to get nearer and be
chums with somebody. That cry touches my heart, for I lived years in the
same state.

And, oh, how I struggled to draw others nearer to me. How I agonized
and cried and prayed over it. How I worked to make home attractive. How
I cooked and washed and scrubbed, sewed and patched and darned to
please! How I quickly brushed my hair and hustled into a clean dress so
as to be neat and ready when my husband came in! And how I ached and
despaired inwardly because he frowned and found fault! How I studied
books of advice to young wives! How their advice failed! How I _tried_
and TRIED to get him to confide in me and make a chum of me! And how the
more I tried the more he had business downtown! Oh, the growing despair
of it all! And the growing illnesses, too! Oh, the gulf that widened and
widened between us! Oh, the _loneliness_! Oh, the _uselessness_ of life!

I _had_ to give it up. I wasn't enough of a hanger-on to sink into a
state of perpetual whining protest, or to commit suicide. When I was
finally _convinced_ that I _couldn't_ draw him nearer I gave it up and
began to take notice again, _of other things_. I _let_ him live his life
and I took up the _"burden"_ of my own "lonely" existence.

And the first thing I knew my "burden" had grown _interesting_, and I
was _no longer lonesome_. I began to live my life to _please myself_,
instead of living it for the purpose of _making over_ the life
of another.

The _next_ thing I knew my husband didn't have so much business
downtown, and he had more things he wanted to tell me. I found we were
nearer than I ever dreamed we'd be.

You see, I had become _more comfortable to live with._ I had quit
_trying_ to draw him nearer, and behold, _he was already near_.

In the old days I lived strenuously. I hustled so to get the house and
the children and myself _just so_, that I got _my aura_ into a regular
snarl. My husband being a healthy animal, felt the snarl before he saw
the immaculateness; and like any healthy animal he snarled back--and had
business downtown. He responded to my _real_ mental and emotional state,
responded against his will many times; and I did not know it. I supposed
him perverse and impossible of pleasing. I _knew I_ had tried my best
(according to my lights, which it had not occurred to me to doubt), but
it never entered my cranium that _he_ had tried, too. I looked upon the
outward appearance--my immaculate appearance, met by fault-finding or
indifference I Poor me! Perverse he!

Poor Martha, troubled about many things, when only one thing is
needful--a quiet mind and faithful soul. History does not state if
Martha had a husband. If she did, he was perpetually downtown. And Jesus
preferred Mary, the Comfortable One, to Martha. Poor lonesome Martha!
And she tried _so hard_ to please.

I used to know a woman who never did a thing but look sweet. She was
pretty and sympathetic and _cheery_. Her husband and six children
idolized her, and fairly fell over themselves to please her and keep the
home beautiful for her. There was physical energy galore lavished
_gladly_ by the family, in doing what is commonly considered the
mother's work.

And there was apparently nothing whatever the matter with that woman,
who was always sweet and pretty as a new blown rose, and looked not a
day over twenty. She was simply born tired and wouldn't work. Of course
the neighbors said things about her; but nobody _could_ say things _to_
such a sweet tempered, cordial and pretty woman. And there'd have been
razors flying through the air if anybody had dared hint to that husband
or one of those children that mother was anything less than perfection.
The family explanation was that "mother is not strong."

But that mother did more for that family than all the others put
together. _She made the atmosphere_, and she was the life-giving sun
around which husband and children revolved, and from which they received
the real Light of Life--the power which develops the good in us.

The mother's main business in life was that of _appreciating_. She was
the confidante, the counsellor, the optimistic teacher, and the
appreciative audience for six children and a husband, besides a lot of
neighbors who carried their troubles to her. She performed more mental
work than it takes to manage a billion dollar trust. She kept six
children, not only out of mischief, but _happily busy_ at all sorts of
household and outdoor work which it was well for them to know. They
learned to keep house and farm by keeping them, whilst she sat by and
enthused and directed their efforts. She made them _love_ it all. She
helped them over the hard places in their school work and enthused them
to do better work. They carried off the school prizes under her
admiring eyes, and ran straight to lay them in her lap and receive that
proud and happy smile of hers.

Her husband worked like a slave _with the heart of a king_. She thought
him the best, bravest, brightest of men, and told him so a dozen times a
day, besides _looking_ it every time he came in range of her big, loving
brown eyes and smooth, rosy cheeks.

I never heard of an unkind word in that family, and those six children
grew up into splendid young manhood and womanhood. Their mother is still
the blessed sun of their existence. She is prettier, healthier and
happier now, and so proud of her fine children.

And she is _up-to-date._ She has studied and read with her whole family
and is interested with them in the world's present events, art,
literature and religion.

Do you think that woman ever complains of loneliness, or "tries so hard"
to draw husband or children "nearer"? No. She long ago chose the "one
thing needful"--_a faith-full heart_. Her physical strength would not
bear much strain without depressing her faith-full-ness; therefore she
left the physical labor out, _as less important_. To her the _Life_ was
more than meat or raiment, so she ministered to the Life--to the joy of
living. A stronger woman, physically, could have ministered more
efficiently to the physical side without neglecting the "one thing
needful." This woman chose the better part and stuck to it; and
_results_ prove her righteousness.

The foolish woman looketh upon the outward appearance and is troubled
over _many_ things. She wears herself out trying to keep the _outside_
immaculate and grieves her heart out because she misses the one thing of
great price, the _joy of loving and being loved, of trusting and
being trusted_.

Do you know that we are _never_ far away from _anybody_? We are close,
_so close_ to our husbands; our children; our friends; _even to our
enemies if we have them;_ and to those we never saw or heard of. _We are
all One. Your_ soul is MY SOUL TOO. Only our bodies are at all
separated, and they are separated _only as the harbor is separated from
the sea_. Our bodies are but inlets of One Great Soul; and they are but
the smallest part of ourselves. Is it then not foolish to _try_ to draw
another nearer? Why, we are _now_ so near we _can't_ be nearer; we are
_One_. Why strive to do what is _already_ done?

Ah, you see, we work from a false hypothesis. We are so concerned with
the many things on the _outside_ that we lose sight of _inside truths_.

_Take your husband's nearness for granted_. Be not troubled over the
many things of appearance. _Have faith in him_. If there is any "drawing
nearer" to be done see that _you_ draw near to him _in faith and love_.
Instead of mentally or verbally sitting down on his motives, words or
acts, _try to feel as he does, that you may understand him_.

AS WE GEOW IN UNDERSTANDING OF ANOTHER WE GROW IN LOVE AND REALIZATION
OF OUR NEARNESS TO THAT ONE. _In proportion as we dislike or are
repelled by any person_ OR HIS ACTIONS, _in that proportion we fail to
understand him_.

As one human being is revealed to another the sense of nearness grows.
Now do you imagine that distrust and censure will help a soul reveal
itself? Of course not. But if you can be comfortable and indulgent to a
man, and especially if you can cultivate a real admiring confidence in
him, he will unfold his very heart of hearts to you. It is _you_ who
must come near in faith and love, if you would find your husband near
to you.

To sum up:

1. You and your husband ARE close together--so close you are _One_.

_2_. If you would _feel_ the truth of this you must come to your husband
in faith-full love, and you _must not allow yourself_ to condemn or
judge, verbally or mentally, his revelations of himself. You must
vibrate _with_ him where you can, and _keep still in faith_ where you
can't understand him and meet him.

3. You must persist in thus doing, until faith and love and
understanding become the habit of your life.

4. The same rules apply if you would feel your nearness to any other
person, _or to all persons_.

Every man is in embryo a good and thoughtful and loving husband. A wise
wife will give him the loving, full-of-faith, appreciative atmosphere
which encourages development.

"We are all just as good as we know how to be, and as bad as we dare
be." _And we are all growing better_. Why not chant the beauties of the
good instead of imagining it our "duty" to eternally bark against
the bad?

It is said there cannot be a model husband without a model wife, and
_vice versa_. True. Then if yours is not a model husband _don't assume
that you are a model wife fitted to judge and admonish him_.

Be still and get acquainted with him.

       *       *       *       *       *

Make it your _first_ object in life to cultivate a serene and faith-full
heart and aura.

As a means toward this end cultivate a _full_ appreciation of whatever
and whoever comes near you. Cultivate the spirit of praise; and _trust_
where you cannot see.

Second, take _good_ care of your body and personal appearance. Allow
plenty of time for bathing, caring for your hair, nails, teeth, and
clothing. Wear plain clothes if need be, but DON'T wear soiled or ragged
ones. And don't ever put a pin where a hook or button ought to be. No
man can continue to love a woman who is slatternly.

Third, allow at least an hour _every_ day for reading and meditating on
new thought lines, _and for going into the silence. Let nothing rob you
of this hour, for of it will come wisdom, love and power to meet the
work and trials of all other hours. Remember the parable of the ten
virgins and take this hour for filling your lamp, that you be ready for
the Unexpected. Only in such hours can you lay up love, wisdom and power
which will enable you to make the best of the other hours. Let not
outward things rob you of your source of power_.

Fourth, unless you wish to fall behind the world's procession see that
you spend some time every day in reading the best magazines and
newspapers, taking pains to skip most of the criminal news. Read
optimistically and cultivate a quick eye for all the good things. Take
the _best_ magazines even if you have to leave feathers off your hat and
desserts off your table. If you can find an _interesting_ literary club
it might be well to join it and do your part of the work. But see that
you do not _rob_ the Peter of your energies to pay the Paul of club
ambitions.

And fifthly comes your housework. This is the juggernaut department
which grinds many a woman to skin and bones--and her husband discards
the remains! When it comes to housekeeping a woman has need of all the
love, wisdom and power she can muster in her hours of silence. Even a
five room flat or cottage is more than one woman can keep _spotless_ and
allow time for anything else. Many things _must_ be left undone. The
wise woman simplifies to the last degree compatible with comfort.
Useless bric-a-brac is dispensed with. "Not how much but _how good_," is
her rule when buying. A few good things _kept in place_, are better than
a clutter of flimsy things which pander only to an uncultured esthetic
taste--and make work. _Order_ is the wise woman's first law in
housekeeping; cleanliness her second, which is like unto the first in
importance. She lets extra rooms, furniture and fallals go _until she
can pay well to have them cared for_. The same rule obtains in her
kitchen and her personal dress.

The wise woman thinks of comfort and allows time for the _joys_ of life,
wherefore _all_ her life is a pleasure.

The foolish woman is ground under the wheels of routine. To her,
housework is a stern "duty" which comes _first_, and to which body,
mind, personal appearance, happiness, the joy of living, all must be
sacrificed.

Lastly, firstly, and all the time, the wise woman is guided in what to
do and in what to leave undone, by the Spirit of Love; whilst the
foolish woman is guided by the Spirit of Appearances.

Note the order in which I have written these needs of life; an exact
reversal of the usual order. Housework _last_, and the Spirit of Comfort
first. The tendency of every woman is to lose _herself_ in troubling
over the many things of her household. If she would be happy, useful,
young and growing she MUST turn her life the other side up.

The best way to begin, the only successful way so far as I know, is by
MAKING time for the hour of reading and meditation and silence. She must
_take_ the time, by sheer force of will--take it until it grows into a
habit which _takes her_. Out of this hour will come first peace and
self-control; and gradually she will find unfolding out of this peace
and control, the wisdom to know what to do, and how; and what _not_ to
do. From this unfolding comes the ONLY power which can make new thought
practical to the individual case.

Are you satisfied with yourself and your condition? Then pursue your old
ways.

Are you dissatisfied with yourself and surroundings? _In order to change
them_ YOU _must change_--_that which was first with you must become
last_ AND THE LAST MUST BE FIRST.

Be still and know the I AM God of you; and, lo, all _things_ shall be
added. But the _things_ must be last, not first.

Seek ye _first_ the kingdom of Good in yourself, _and to be right with
it_; and all things shall be added. All things shall be added to YOU,
not to _other things_.

Be still until you find yourself--your wise, loving, joy-giving Self
which dwells in the silence and is able to do whatsoever you desire.



CHAPTER VI.

MARRIAGE CONTRACTS.

"That article of yours, 'So Near and Yet So Far,' has worried me to an
extent I am ashamed of. To my 'judgment' that article is disingenuous.
It is not so much that you jumped on that poor soul with hob-nailed
shoes, but that you formulated the 'jump' quite as the husband might
have done. That is, if _she_ would repent and change her course, she
would soon find that _he_ was all right, and--inferentially--all the
trouble was of her making. Not one word on the other side! You even
quote your own experience _against_ her. My dear, _did_ you really find
that your 'trouble' was of your own making, and _did_ you really change
ANYTHING except your own amount of distress during the process of
disintegration? Marriage is the only contract which society does not
promptly admit to be broken when either party refuses to fulfill his
obligations--as agreed to. And in view of the custom of ages, and the
instinct in woman formed by such custom (when instinct makes the
establishing of Individuality the _very_ hardest thing in life for a
generous woman), I think that your implication against the woman, trying
with all the light she's _got_ to keep her side of that very one-sided
contract is simply--cruel! I wish I could get at that girl and tell her
that her _only_ chance for happiness is through the paradox 'Whoso
_will_ not lose his life _cannot_ find it.' Whoso will not 'let go' of
the love which his five per cent judgment claims as his only _righteous_
chance, cannot inherit that which the ninety-five per cent would attract
if the five per cent were 'offered up' to the spirit. This is the first
time I have ever disagreed with your point of view." Jane.

That article, "So Near and Yet So Far," has brought forth volumes of
comment, most of it highly favorable, and nearly all of it from women
themselves. But among the writers were three critics, and among the
critics one of the brightest women I know, whose letter appears above.

And she says that article is to her disingenuous. Of course it is, for
she has not yet arrived at the point of _giving up her own way_. She is
still a Pharisee of the Pharisees--on the surface. She is proud; she
_knows_ she has done her best to bring things right--according to her
judgment of right; and she _does hate_ to acknowledge her foolishness!
She will "hold fast her own integrity" as long as there is a shred of it
left! Don't I know? Didn't I do exactly the same thing? Of course. But
the pressure of the great spirit of love, wisdom, justice, was too much
for me; I _had_ to give up my judgment; I _had_ to acknowledge that
there _must_ be the same spirit expressing in my husband's judgment; I
_had_ to let go, be still and get at _his_ point of view. Jane, too,
will have to do it. And the fact that that article "worried her to an
extent she is ashamed of," is the proof. When Truth presses her point we
worry until we can hold out no longer; then we give in.

One of the other two critics writes that over that article she "shed
the first tears in over seven years." Then she asks me if I don't think
I was a "little hard on the Taurus woman," and goes on to reveal plainly
that her tears were those of _self-pity._ Don't I know? Haven't I shed
quarts of such tears? Of course. But not more than an ounce or two were
shed after I gave up my own way. But this second critic is arriving just
as I did, and as Jane will--arriving all unconsciously to herself. Her
letter sounds like a chapter from my own thinking of a dozen years ago.
She gives a bird's eye view of her husband--no, of her husband's
_faults_; she tells how she reads new thought literature on the
sly--just as I did; and she winds up with this _piece_ of good advice:

"I will say to such, live your own life as God intended you to,
regardless of the fact of your husband. Be brave, hope, will and pray.
Dress, look sweet. If your husband tells you he doesn't care how you
look but to not come near him with your foolishness, as mine does, why,
let him live his life in his own way, make home attractive for your own
sake, read good books; and in time books will be your chum."

The third critic, too, is full of self-pity, though she does not mention
her tears; and her letter is a long portrait of her husband's faults.
She wants a little encouragement to leave him, but she is afraid he will
go to the dogs if she does. So, like a generous woman, she sticks to him
and makes the best (?) of a bad bargain.

Jane says my article was "cruel." Dearie, it was--as the surgeon's knife
is cruel. But it is the truth, and it hurts but to make way for healing.
The woman who blames has in her eye something worse than a cataract.
The woman who sheds tears over her "fate" is moved by the "meanest of
emotions." She attracts "cruelty," not only from that article, _but from
her husband._

It takes _two_ to quarrel, _and either one can stop it_. It takes _two_
to maintain "strained relations," and _either one can ease the strain_.
The principles I tried to elucidate in that article are as applicable to
a man as to a woman. But it was a woman, a Taurus woman, who asked me;
therefore I talked straight to her. And _I_ am a Taurus woman who has
been through the same mill; and I wrote not from a hardened heart but
from one made tender by experience and the Spirit of Truth. My point of
view "might have been the husband's" _if_ the husband had been an
unusually just one. And I must say the husband's point of view is more
apt to be _just_, than the wife's; for the reason that a woman is more
apt to be blinded by _emotional self-interest._ In proportion as man or
woman is ruled by emotion his judgment is distorted. _As a rule man's
judgment_ is straighter than a woman's. But judgment is a shallow thing,
based upon _already revealed facts._ Woman's intuition goes to the heart
of things and flashes facts into revelation. Women as a rule _see
farther_, but are apt to misjudge what is _close at hand._ Only as man
wakes in woman and woman in man do right judgment and love commune. Why
not judge with the husband, as I _feel_ with the wife? Is any man
_totally_ depraved?

Jane feels abused because she thinks _I_ think that in family strains
the woman is more at fault. _In a sense_ I do. _Women cannot only make
and unmake empires but they DO make or fail to make harmony_ _at home_.
Why, men with all their power are mere rag babies in the hands of women
of _tact_. Women are the _real_ power in the world--the power behind the
throne. If only they would develop that particular kind of power instead
of coming around in front of the throne to lay down the law!--instead of
measuring their _man_-strength against man. Real _woman_-strength will
move the most stubborn of men. If I "blame" the woman _(I blame neither,
any more than I blame a child for childishness)_ it is because _I know
she is the ruling power_. Her responsibility is determined by her
real power.

And above all a Taurus woman may rule her home--_and does_. Either she
rules by force--for she has more than her share of the man in her--and
makes war and trouble for herself and others; or she learns her lesson
and rules by _loving tact_; in which case her husband rises up and calls
her _blessed_. The _woman who knows and rules herself_ is the woman of
Proverbs XXXI, 10th to 31st verses. Her husband is honored among men
_because he is honored at home_; and because he is honored he _lives up
to it_. Why, girls, you hold your husband's destiny in the hollow of
your hand, in a far greater sense than any man holds a woman's.

But as I said before, _it takes two to make an unhappy home and either
one can bring harmony out of discord._ Any ordinary woman can do it _if
she will_. And any extraordinary man can do it quite as well as an
ordinary woman.

This is not a question of what "society" admits; it is a personal
question between one man and one woman. It _is_ a partnership, whether
society so admits or not. And the failure of one of the partners to
live up to the expressed or implied agreement does not justify the other
party in the misdoing of her part _as long as they live together_. Does
one theft or murder justify another? No! Neither does a neglectful
husband justify a scolding or spiteful wife, nor _vice versa._

Two people marry _first_, for the happiness of love; and second, for
home privileges. No matter whether love flees or not, _as long as they
keep up_ the home-privileges partnership it should be done in the spirit
of harmony. Remember, it takes _two_ to destroy harmony and _either one
can restore it_. If marriage is not a love contract let it at least be a
harmonious business contract. If you can't, or won't, _adjust yourself_
to your husband, then leave him. Don't stay and half-do your part of the
business and cultivate hate and contempt. It's hell. _Get out_.

I have known several couples who lived years in comparative happiness
after love had flown; who were kind to each other, considerate,
business-like. The wives made pleasant homes and the husbands came and
went at will. In their spare time the wives developed their personal
interests and "lived their own lives," as critic number two advises.
When the husbands took cranky streaks the wives simply made light of it
to themselves, and forgot it as soon as possible. They lived on as
comfortable terms as if the wives were simply _first-class_ hired
house-keepers; little crankisms were all in the bargain. Eventually
every one of these couples separated, and nearly all the parties are now
_happily_ married. _And every_ _couple parted amicably_; each being
_satisfied_ to terminate the old partnership.

To me a divorce is not a disgrace, but a family row _is_. And I suspect
that most divorce _rows_ are worked up to _drown guilty consciences_.
Neither has done his best by the other, and he knows it; so he raises a
great row to fix attention on the other's shortcomings that his own may
escape observation.

Until a man and woman have succeeded in living up to their home
privileges in a manner befitting honest and intelligent man and woman,
_they can't be sure that they are not fitted for a real loving union_.
Friction over small things obscures vision and judgment, and hate hides
the lovableness that _must_ lie in every being. Get rid of the rowing
over little things of every day life, and you will be able to love as
much as your marriage will permit; _and you will be free to dissolve the
entire partnership if you desire_.

Did I _really_ change anything? _Yes_. Is it "anything" to bring peace
and quiet pleasure and comfort and appreciation where their opposites
were wont to hold bacchanale? _Yes_.

No woman who _honestly_ tries the course I have endeavored to outline
will ever doubt that she really accomplishes _something_; neither will
she regret.

Here is a word every married woman will do well to heed as long as she
lives with her husband: _If you can't have your way without a fuss, then
try his with a good will_.

Peace be unto you; peace, which is the foundation for _all you desire_.



CHAPTER VII.

SOME HINTS AND A KICK.

"And now, Elizabeth, let me suggest something. Punch up the _men_ a
little in the matter of cultivating cleanly habits, etc. Women are
preached to eternally on these matters and the men wholly neglected. It
would be a 'new thought' to take to the men a little and might assist in
making more of them fit companions for the sweet and cleanly women they
delight in associating with. The absolute neglect of the masculine sex
by writers on these subjects causes them to think that nothing in the
way of the aesthetic is expected of them. It is a wrong to the men not
to en-me and make me his chum as well as his wife. Help courage them to
aspire to a common plane with woman in the matters of purity and
cleanliness. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, but no more so in the
case of woman than of man. It is time for equality to be recognized in
this matter as in all others." Carrie.

It is funny how many women squirm when reminded that it is they who set
the pace in the home! We are always longing for power and a field of
effort, and then when a 20th century prophetess arises and tells us we
_are_ all but almighty, and shows us how to direct our almightiness to
accomplish results, we--well, we squirm. One would think some of us are
a little bit ashamed of the pace we have been setting, of the things we
have been accomplishing with our almightiness! You know, our first
impulse when we see an error in our own selves is to sound the trumpet
and charge upon the error in the other fellow. Is this why Carrie wants
the men scolded?

Well, _don't_ they get scolded? What are their wives and daughters and
sweethearts for but to scold 'em or coax 'em into cleaner ways of
living? No use to talk to men as a class, about anything but politics.
Don't you know that Adam couldn't even taste an apple until Eve coaxed
him? Adam is a great theorizer; he will gaze at an apple and tell you
that he ought not to eat it, and _why_ not; he will even amble long and
wishfully about that apple; but it takes _Eve_ to wake in him the
_living impulse_ to take it. Just so with matters of personal neatness.
He knows--oh, yes, knowing is his long suit!--he knows he "ought" to be
neat; and he thinks he wants to be; but unless Eve and the serpent come
along he hasn't the _living impulse_.

And Eve must not lose sight of the serpent, however far away the dove
may fly. Eve must use wisdom and tact, as well as example; if she would
have Adam accept her standard of cleanliness she must see to it that her
example is _beautifully_ clean instead of _painfully_ so. There are men
who are careless about their persons simply as a matter of relief from
the painful cleanness of their surroundings.

Then there are Adams who are careless for lack of interest in pleasing
Eve. In these cases you will find that Eve has little or no interest in
pleasing Adam; or that she overdoes the matter of trying to please, and
frequently dissolves in tears and precipitates countless reproaches upon
luckless Adam.

Then there are Adams who are careless from petty spite--with shame I say
it. And with greater shame I say, you will find their Eves are spiteful,
too; probably more spiteful than the Adams; for Eve, you know, is
generally smart enough and ambitious enough to outdo Adam in any line of
endeavor--especially in the use or misuse of the tongue.

In matters of niceness it is Eve who sets the pace. Adam is built for
strength; Eve for beauty and adornment. It is _natural_ for Eve to set
the pace and for Adam to follow, in all matters of detail and niceness.
Whether Adam follows with good grace or ill depends upon Eve and the
serpent. If Eve is wise as the serpent in her, and harmless as the dove
in her, she can lead Adam a _willing_ captive to heaven or hell.

Now will you rise again and--squirm--because I attribute to Eve all
power over Adam? Will you say I excuse Adam's transgressions and come
down hard on Eve? I suppose so. But the very fact that you resent the
imputation is proof that in your heart of hearts you know I have hit
_very close_ to the mark. When an arrow flies wide we are merely amused
at the poor marksmanship; but the closer the arrow strikes to the center
the more excited we grow--either with resentment or admiration,
according to our sympathies.

In matters of cleanliness, niceness and adornment Eve sets the pace; and
if her pace is a graceful one and _not too fast_ Adam follows. In due
time he _acquires the habit_ of doing the little ablutions and adornings
Eve has taught him.

If your Adam is _very_ careless about these matters you may depend upon
it that when he was growing up his mother was either dead or careless or
tactless; and you may safely suspect that Adam in his previous state of
existence was a forlorn old bach. So be gentle with him, for it will
take time to correct the faults of such an Adam.

But don't give up, Eve, dear. Be gentle, but be firm and persistent. Use
your ingenuity in finding ways to make Adam _want_ to please you; and if
you can look back over a year or two and see that he _has_ improved in
_some_ respects at least, that there are even one or two little tricks
of niceness which have become almost if not quite habitual, then hold a
little praise meeting and rejoice. Praise him for learning, and praise
yourself for what you have succeeded in teaching him. And if your
success has come _without friction_, if you have inspired Adam to _want_
to please you, then glorify yourself exceedingly--_all to yourself, of
course_. If you let Adam know you are managing him even for his own
good, he will show his independence by going back to his old
tricks--just as _you_ would do if in his place. If there has been
friction, or lack of success, let it wake you up to use henceforth _more
of the wisdom and love which is in you_.

Now this little homily is written ostensibly to women; but all my men
subscribers will read it and applaud. _I wonder how many of them will
see that every word of it is as applicable to themselves, as to their
mothers, sisters, sweethearts, wives_? Every Eve is Adam at heart, and
every Adam is Eve; and what in sauce for Adam will prove equally
effective with Eve. Adam and Eve are both green, and growing. They are
the two halves of a ripening peach, brought together by the Law of
Attraction or Love because at this stage in their development _they
fit_. You will be inclined to doubt that every Adam's nature fits his
Eve's, but I say unto you judge not according to outward appearance but
judge righteous judgment. Now listen:--Every human being has his
manifested good points and his _latent_ good points. The manifest good
points of a man are the Adam of him; the _latent_ good points--the weak
places in him--are the Eve of him--the interior as-yet-undeveloped part
of him. The strong points, the good points, of a woman are the Eve; the
weak points, where she is as yet undeveloped, are the Adam or interior
nature of her.

If it were not for personal attractions, particularly the attractions of
one man and one woman, the _latent_ parts of both men and women would
remain forever undeveloped and their strong points would continue to
grow stronger. In time (supposing the race did not die out), there would
be two classes of people utterly different and at variance with each
other--two opposites with no understanding or sympathy for each other.

Attraction brings together opposites; the strong, steady man falls in
love with a frivolous butterfly; a handsome woman attracts a homely man
and _vice versa;_ a strong, capable woman marries a sickly, incompetent
man--and supports him; a sentimental woman is attracted to a
matter-of-fact man who develops her common sense by pruning her
sentimentalities; an artistic temperament is drawn to a phlegmatic; a
sanguine to a bilious; a mental to a vital; an active man marries a lazy
wife, or _vice versa_; a bright man marries a stupid girl; and so on
and on.

Man and wife are a rounded whole in which the man manifests what is
latent in the woman, and the woman supplies that which in the man is as
yet undeveloped. Just as Eve coaxes, or scolds, Adam into habits of
neatness; as Adam coaxes, scolds or drives Eve into having his meals on
time, thus developing her self-command and _promptness_; so they act and
re-act upon each other to develop a thousand latencies of which they,
and the onlookers, are more or less unconscious.

The foolish Adams and Eves fret and strain against these processes of
development, and bewail their "mistake" in marrying; not seeing that the
association is really benefiting both. The wise Adams and Eves reduce
the friction _by kindness_, by _co-operation with each other_; Adam
_tries_ to please Eve, Eve tries to please Adam, and both are kind about
it, wherefore in due time their _appreciation_ for each other grows, and
mayhap their love grows with it. If love wanes instead of growing at
least they are _friends_, and can _part_ as friends if they so desire.

Someone has well said that without a model husband there can be no model
wife. I believe it. As long as man and woman are held together by love,
attraction, or "conditions" (in its last analysis it is _all_ the Law of
Attraction, or _God_) they are literally _one_, no matter how hard they
kick against the oneness; and neither man nor woman can _alone_ be a
model, any more than one side of a peach can be _entirely_ ripe and
sweet and the other side entirely hard and green.

So when I speak to Eve about tact and kindness I speak to _the Eve in
Adam_ as well as in Eve herself.

And what I say of the attractions of man and wife applies equally well
to other family relationships, to friendships, to acquaintanceships and
even to our relationship to the people we pass on the street or _the
heathen we never saw_. Every person who touches us even in the
slightest degree, _is drawn by the law of attraction because we need him
to bring out some latency in ourselves, and because HE needs us to help
develop some latency in him_. IT IS OUR OWN HIGHEST DESIRES (the god in
us) WHICH CONSTITUTE THE ATTRACTION.

"Oh, but _that_ can't be," you exclaim, "because So-and-So brings out
only the _evil_ in me. He makes me feel _so_ hateful and mean." Let us
see, dearie. _The hateful and mean feelings are due to your RESISTING
that which his influence would bring out of you._ For instance, you were
late at your appointment with him. Of course you _thought_ you had a
good excuse; but if promptitude were _one of your strong points_,
instead of one of your latencies, you would have been on time in spite
of that excuse--if it were your _habit_ to be on time you'd have swept
aside a much greater hindrance before you would have allowed yourself to
be behind time. Now So-and-so is naturally prompt and, having had some
experience with you he knew you were not; so when, he having arrived
fifteen minutes ahead of time as it is _his_ nature to do, _you_ came
tripping in fifteen minutes late--smiling confidingly as you excused
yourself (he, having spent the half hour in cultivating a grouch at you
for not being as prompt as himself)--he, of course, looked sulky and
answered shortly. Then you pouted and finally _worked yourself_ into
quite a temper over his inconsiderateness and crankiness because of that
paltry little fifteen minutes he had to wait. He _worked himself_ into a
temper because you were not on time; you _worked yourself_ into a
temper because he wasn't "nice." All that working was your
individual doings.

But it all resulted in your resolving that if ever you had another
engagement with that man (you'd take good care not to if you could help
it, though!) you'd be _on time_ if it killed you. Of course you didn't
tell him so. And _he_ resolved that the next time he made an engagement
with you he'd know it, but _if_ he did he would make up his mind to be
_on_ time instead of ahead of time, and he'd not care if you
_were_ late.

So you see, the Law of Attraction accomplished its divine purpose in
attracting you two to make that engagement--it waked in you a
_resolution_ toward promptness; and it waked in him a _resolution_ to be
_on_ time rather than _before_ time in future, and to be civil if you
happened to be late--since you are only a woman and can't be expected to
appreciate the value of promptness!

This is the way all our associations in life work together for good _to
develop our latencies_, to strengthen our weak points. _The wiser we are
the less emotion we waste in resenting the developing process--the more
readily we see the point and take the resolution hinted at._ You see you
and your friend had had other such experiences as the one described--you
had been late before when So-and-so condoned the matter and said
nothing. _He let you off so easily that you never thought of resolving
not to be late again._ You _felt_ that he had been displeased but you
depended upon your niceness to make it all right again, and it never
occurred to you to call yourself to account and _resolve_ that it
should not happen so again. You were _too heedless_ to take a hint, so
you had to have a kick.

You may set this down as a rule without exceptions: _That all the kicks
you get from relatives or friends come after you have ignored repeated
hints from your own inner consciousness and them_. You have gone on
excusing yourself _without correcting the fault_ (perhaps without seeing
it) until the Law of Attraction stopped hinting and administered a kick.
And if _one_ kick will not cause you to develop that weak point the Law
of Attraction will bring you other and yet harder kicks on the same
line. _You will attract_ worse experiences of the same sort.

It is this very law which makes married folks (or other relatives or
friends) quarrel. Adam refuses Eve's _hints_ about neatness, and Eve
kicks--harder and harder. Eve refuses Adam's hints and he gets to
kicking. _It_ ALWAYS _takes two to start the kicking_, AND EITHER ONE
CAN STOP IT. _A frank acknowledgement of error and a_ RESOLUTION _to
mend your end of the fault no matter what is done with the other end;
then a pleasant expression and_ NO MORE WORDS;--this will stop the
kicking. _And in proportion as you learn to take the_ HINTS _you
attract, you will cease to attract kicks_.

By all of which I am reminded of that old testament statement that '_the
Lord hardened the heart of Pharoah_.' The "Lord" or "Lord God" of the
old testament is what I call the _God in us_, or the Law of Attraction
in us; and the "God" of the Bible is The Whole--the God _over all_ as
well as _in the individual_. It is the _God in us_ which attracts to us
our experiences, _in order to teach us wisdom and knowledge_. Pharoah
was not _wise_ enough to let those people go, so the God in Moses gave
him a hint--which he failed to take. Wherefore he attracted a gentle
kick in the way of a plague. This dashed his ardor a bit and he gave
permission for the Israelites to go; but he was only _scared_ into doing
it; and after the plague was called off he was not wise enough to keep
his word--here was a great lot of valuable slaves which he _could_ keep,
and why shouldn't he?--his word was easy broken and all's fair in
business; so _his heart hardened_ and he held the Israelites. So he
attracted a harder kick; which failed to accomplish its purpose. Kick
after kick came, each a bit harder than the last; each scaring Pharoah
for the moment, but _none convincing him_. He still thought it _right_
to hang onto his slaves if he could, and he had the courage of his
convictions. A man of such splendid courage seems worthy of a better
fate. Pharoah had the courage of a Christ, coupled with the ethics of a
savage, whose only law is his own desire of possession. Because he could
not take the hint and _see his mistake_, he attracted a series of kicks
increasing in power until one finally landed him in the Red Sea. Perhaps
a glimmer of the truth reached him as the waters rolled over. But his
soul goes marching on and his mistakes are still re-incarnating here
on earth.

Is Adam kicking, Eve? Take a hint before he kicks harder. Is Eve making
things warm for you, Adam? Take care you jump not out of the frying pan
into the fire. Are circumstances plaguing you, Everybody? Take the hint
lest worse plagues arrive; learn wisdom and avoid the Red Sea.

Be not wise in thine own conceits. _Lean_ not upon thine own
understanding, but in _all_ thy ways _and thy neighbor's ways_,
acknowledge that the One Good Spirit leads, and He shall direct thy feet
in paths of peace and pleasantness.

The proof of foolishness is unrest and friction.

The proof of wisdom is peace.

_Be still and know the Lord thy God, and learn from what He draws to
thee_.



CHAPTER VIII.

THE HEART OF WOMAN.

"My wife has fallen in love with another man. She keeps house for me and
I am trying to show her all the love I can but it seems to have no
effect upon her. I love her dearly and desire to win her back. What
should be my attitude toward her and toward the man?" A.J. (who is one
of many who have thus written me.)

Goodness knows! _Be_ good and you will know. In other words, be just to
all three before you are generous to anybody. Of course that is not easy
to do, but it is possible; and it is the only thing you can never be
sorry for afterward.

First, get down to first principles. There are three INDIVIDUALS
concerned--three separate and complete beings, each with his inherent
right of choice. Nobody _owns_ anybody else; nobody "owes" anybody else
anything in the way of "duty." Each individual stands on his or her own
two feet and makes an effort at least to go where he or she will find
the most happiness.

Every one of these three Individuals has made mistakes--he or she has
thought happiness was to be found in this place, or that. He or she has
made the choice and trotted on his or her two feet to this place or
that, only to find happiness was not there as he or she supposed. _We
don't always know what is for our happiness_. But goodness knows!--and
_all_ our mistakes work together for ultimate happiness.

In the truest sense there are _no_ mistakes; a mistake being simply a
case where things failed to come out as we calculated. _They came out
right nevertheless_. That is, they came out right for our enlightenment.
By them we grew in wisdom and knowledge. Next time our judgment will
be better.

The wife in this case no doubt thinks just now that her marriage to
A.J., was "all a terrible mistake." If so she is making another
"mistake." That is, she is thinking what "ain't so." Whatever
experiences she has had with A.J. were drawn to her by herself, for her
own enlightenment and development. They were all _good_.

It _may_ be that she and A.J. have gained from their association all
there is in it. Doubtless the wife thinks a separation and a new
marriage would make her supremely happy. May be it would. May be her
judgment is right this time.

On the other hand it may be wrong, as it has been oft before. Many a
woman has jumped out of the frying pan of one marriage into the fire
of another.

_Only time will tell_. If this new love is the "soul mate" she thinks,
the attraction will be all the stronger and steadier in a year or two
from now. If he is not the soul mate she thinks him, the attraction
will wane.

I know women who, under similar conditions, have elected to wait; women
whose consciences would not allow them to leave a kind husband or young
children for the sake of gratifying their passion for another man. _I
have known these same women to despise a year or two later, the men they
had thought themselves passionately and everlastingly in love with_.
They have never got over thanking whatever gods there be that they were
saved from that rash step. I have known _many_ cases of this kind, and
have received many letters of fervent thanks from both men and women who
followed my private counsel to _let time prove the new attraction_
before severing old ties and making new ones.

And I must say that _not one_ who waited but has said to me, "I am
_glad_ I waited"; _whilst many who did not wait have bitterly
regretted_.

A love affair is emotional insanity. Lovers are insane; not in fit
condition to decide their own actions. The state of "falling in love" is
moon-madness. For the time being the lover's sense of justice, his
reason, his judgment, is distorted by _reflections from another
personality_. This is especially so in the woman's case, for the reason
that she is generally a creature of untrained impulse, instead of
reasoning will.

There is that recent case of the beautiful and beloved Princess Louise
who ran away from her royal husband. She thought she loved Monsieur
Giron so devotedly that she could bear anything for the sake of being
with him. And surely she was miserable enough in her old environment.
But when it came to the reality she could not bear the consequences. She
wanted her children; her proud spirit winced at the snubs she got; she
longed a little for the old life; and familiarity with her soul mate
revealed the knowledge that he was not _all_ soul. She flunked miserably
and went home to her sick child. You see, she was literally love-_sick_.
Her mind was disordered; a life spent with her soul mate loomed to her
so large and dazzling that all other things were as nothing. She
couldn't for the time being see straight. She was literally insane.

If she had only _waited_ until the new wore off her passion! Waited
until she saw things in their proper proportions and relations to each
other; until she was _sure_ she could _live the life_ made inevitable by
her change.

That is the trouble;--love-sick-ness _blinds her to the truth_. When she
wakes up by _experience_ of the truth, _she wishes she hadn't._

The only safe thing for a woman to do who finds herself married to one
man and in love with another is to _wait_, a year, or two or three
years, until time proves her love and _she knows in her heart_ that she
can make the change and never regret it, no matter what happens. _You
see, she can NEVER be happy with the new love as long as_ CONSCIENCE OR
HEART _reproaches her for her treatment of the old love._ It behooves
her to consider well.

Time will prove the new love. In many such cases times reveals the
idol's feet of clay. He shows that his love is for _himself_, not for
her. He pouts and kicks and teases like a petulant child. He wants her
NOW, no matter how she may suffer in consequence of his haste.

In spite of herself, in spite of her love for the new love, she finds he
is not panning out as she supposed. She begins to see his other, his
everyday side--_the side she will have to live with_ if she goes to him.

Now is the husband's chance. She _knows his_ every-day side, from
experience; she has tried it in weal and woe. If he rises to this
occasion the Ideal Man, he stands a fair chance of winning from his wife
a _deeper_ love than she has yet given any man. He may catch her _whole_
heart in its rebound from the idol with feet of clay.

To a husband in such a position I would say, _Be kind._ "There is
nothing so kingly as kindness!"--and true kindness under this most
trying condition will in time win even a recalcitrant wife's admiration
and love--IF _the two are really mates_. If they are not real mates; if
they have outgrown their usefulness to each other; the sooner they part
the better. To hold them together would only be another "mistake."

Because a man and wife were mates five or ten years ago is no proof that
they are mates today. We are all _growing_, and it is often literally
true that we "grow away" from people.

_Every loved one who goes out of our lives makes room for a better,
fuller love--unless we shut ourselves in with our "grief."_

It is said that Robert Louis Stevenson fell in love with the wife of his
best friend. He told his friend frankly, intending to leave the city.
His friend questioned the wife and found she reciprocated Stevenson's
love. Stevenson stayed with his friend in Paris and the wife went to
her father's home in California. A year later, the attachment between
his wife and Stevenson still remaining, the friend applied for a
divorce. Then he and Stevenson journeyed all the way to California
together, where Stevenson was married to the ex-wife. The ex-husband
attended the wedding, and that same evening announced his engagement to
a girl friend of Mrs. Stevenson.

I glory in the friendship of those two men who refused to allow the
unreasoning caprices of love to sever their love for each other. A
separation and remarriage like that is a _credit_ to all parties
concerned. _It is the quarrels and estrangements which are the real
disgrace_ in cases of separation and remarriage.

John Ruskin was another man too great and too good to resent love's
going where it is sent. He had married, knowing that her respect and
admiration but not her _love_, were his, a beautiful and brilliant girl
much younger than himself. They lived happily a number of years. Then
Ruskin brought home the painter, Millais, to make a picture of his wife.
Artist and model fell in love. Ruskin found it out, and refused to allow
his wife to sacrifice herself for him. He divorced her and gave her to
Millais, and the three were life-long friends.

If I were a man in such a case as A. J.'s I should treat my wife as I
would a daughter. I would treat her as an Individual with the right
of choice.

Many a daughter has rushed headlong into a marriage which her relatives
opposed and she regretted at leisure.

If someone grabs you by the arm and pulls hard in one direction you are
forced to pull hard in the opposite direction, or lose your balance and
fall. If a daughter is pulled away from the man to whom she is
attracted, her Individuality rebels and she pulls toward him harder than
she would if let alone. She _chooses_ to follow the attraction which at
the time is pleasanter than that between herself and her frowning
relatives.

Remembering this I would _free_ daughter or wife and trust to the God in
her to work out her highest good. I would _believe_ that whatever she
chose to do was really for her highest good. If I _really_ loved _her_ I
would _prefer_ her happiness to my own.

And in it all I should be _deeply_ conscious that whatever is, is best,
and that _all things worked together for_ MY _best good as well as
for hers_.

Whatever appearances may show to the shortsighted, the real TRUTH is
this:--_Justice reigns; the happiness of one person is not bought at the
expense of another; the law of attraction brings us our own and holds to
us our own in spite of all its efforts to get away; it never leaves us
until_, THROUGH SOME CHANGE OR LACK OF CHANGE IN OURSELVES, _it has
ceased to be our own_.

A man's "mental attitude" toward the other man in such cases as A.J.'s
should be the same as toward other men--the attitude of real kindness
toward an Individual who, like the rest of us, is being "as good as he
knows how to be and as bad as he dare be."

This does not mean that the husband shall allow himself to be used for a
door mat, nor held up for the ridicule of the neighbors. A sensible
father expects his daughter to observe the proprieties. The daughter of
a sensible father is more than willing to meet these expectations. In
the same way a sensible husband will expect his wife to see no more of
the lover than "society" permits her to see of any man not related to
her. No sensible American woman will jeopardize her good name under such
circumstances. She will control her feelings until she has proved her
new attraction and been duly released from the old. If a woman will not
conduct herself in a self-respecting manner the sooner she leaves the
better for the husband. As for herself, she will learn by experience--as
Princess Louise did.

Love is the mightiest force in creation. It will not be gainsaid. But it
can be controlled. To pen it up too completely brings explosion,
devastation. To give it too free rein means madness with no less
devastation. To _direct_ it within reasonable limits is the only
safe way.

It takes a cool head and steadfast heart to meet such emergencies as
A.J.'s. And eye hath not seen nor ear heard the "Well done" and its
attendant glory, which enters into the heart and character of the man
who meets such condition and conquers--_himself_. Not once in a thousand
lives has a man such opportunity to prove his godship and bless himself
and the world.



CHAPTER IX.

THE LAW OF INDIVIDUALITY.

All growth is by _learning_.

All learning comes by the gratification of desire. Truly, experience is
not only the best teacher, but the _only_ infallible one.

The gratification of desire, good or bad, leaves always one imperishable
residue of wisdom. The rest of the experience goes with the chaff
for burning.

Desire points invariably according to the individual's intelligence. In
proportion as this is faulty his desires are "bad."

What _is_ a bad desire, anyway? In the main "bad" desires are self-made
or thoughtlessly accepted. Dancing is wicked to a Methodist and "good"
to an Episcopalian.

But aside from these personal standpoints which are legion there is an
immutable Law, to which intelligence is conforming all action and
thought--the Law of Individuality--the Law recognized and expressed by
Confucius and Jesus in negative and positive forms of the "golden rule";
"Do not unto others what ye would not they should do unto you."

Interference with the freedom of the individual is "bad"--that is, _it
invariably brings pain_ to the one who interferes, in thought or deed.
Listen to this:

"You cannot know anything of the sources or causes of the crisis you are
judging, for no one who knows will tell you, and you would not know if
you were told. The depths of elemental immortality, of self-deceit and
revenge, lie in our eagerness to judge one another, and to force one
another under the yoke of our judgments. When there is the faith of the
Son of man in the world, life will be left to make its own judgments.
The only judgment we have a right to make upon one another is the free
and truthful living of our own lives." George D. Herron.

This forcing of others, in mind or action, under the yoke of _our_
judgment is the only possible way we can break a _real_ Law. To be
_ourselves_ and to leave others free is to "_be good_." Dancing will
come and go, and come again; so will fashions of all kinds;
conventionalities and creeds; but this Law remains an eternal chalk line
to be toed. And eternal torments await him who does not toe it.

       *       *       *       *       *

Take the case of a man who desires to "run away" with another man's
wife. The one immutable Law of Individuality says _no man owns a wife_.
Instead of this being a problem with two men and one man's property as
factors, it is a case of _three individuals_ with god-given rights of
individual choice. You have heard it said that "_where two are agreed_
as touching anything it shall be done unto them." It takes two to make,
or to keep made, a bargain. No matter what hallucinations in regard to
ownership any man may labor under, _he does not_ own a wife. He has no
more "rights" over one woman than over another, or over another man,
except as the _woman herself gives_ him the right and _keeps on_ giving
it to him.

The Law of Individuality is absolute, and in due time husbands will know
better than to imagine they own wives; wives will know better than to be
owned; and the other man will not imagine he can gain great pleasure
from "running away" with anything. Each will be free and leave the
others so.

But "as a man thinketh in his heart so is he." Until a man _recognizes_
the Law of Individuality his actions are governed by the Law he _does_
recognize, and his desires act accordingly. When he desires to "run
away" with anything his _conscience_ tells him he is stealing. If desire
is strong enough he steals a wife, and eventually suffers for it. For,
though he may not have broken a real law, he _has_ broken an imagined
one and in his _own mind_ he deserves punishment and in his own mind he
gets it. "As a man thinketh so _is_ he," and what he is _determines what
he attracts_.

Never was a deeper, truer saying than Paul's "BLESSED is the man that
_doubteth not_ in that thing which he alloweth." The man who _waits_,
until he is "_fully persuaded_ in his own mind" will be blessed in
following desire, and he will grow in wisdom thereby.

The man who _thinks_ his desire is "bad" and yet follows it, will grow
in wisdom _by the scourging he gets_. He has transgressed _his
conception_ of the One Law and suffers in getting back to _at-one-ment_.

In either case he _grows in wisdom_ and eventually he will desire only
in accordance with the One Law of Individual Choice.

There is no question of "ought" about it. The individual is free to
follow desire or to crucify it. And the fact is, _he follows desire when
he crucifies it_. He _desires_ to crucify desire, because he _is afraid_
to gratify it.

The man who is not afraid follows desire and grows fast _in wisdom and
in knowledge_. He may make mistakes and suffer all sorts of agonies as a
result. But he learns from his misses as well as from his hits, and he
progresses.

The man who is afraid to follow desire crucifies _his life_ and stunts
his growth.

It were better for the individual to follow his desire and afterward
repent, than to crush his desires and repent for a lifetime under the
false impression that the universe unjustly gives to another that which
should have belonged to him.

There is just one kind of growth--_growth in wisdom._ We hear of
children "who grow up in ignorance." We likewise hear that the earth is
square and the moon a green cheese. Children can no more grow in
ignorance than they can grow in a dark and air-tight case. _All_ growth,
mental, moral, spiritual or "physical," is by increase in in-telligence;
i.e., by _recognition_ of more truth. All things exist in a limitless
sea of pure wisdom waiting, waiting _to be understood_. As fast as this
universal wisdom is used it becomes _in-told--_intelligence--
_recognized_ wisdom. We _breathe in wisdom_ and grow in intelligence.
_All_ growth, mineral, plant, animal, man or god, conscious or
unconscious--ALL growth is by this process. It is DESIRE that makes us
breathe. Everything cries out for more, _more!--it_ cannot define always
_what_ it wants, but it _wants,_ with insatiable craving. It is _more
wisdom_ the whole creation groaneth and travaileth to get. "Give me more
understanding or I die!"--the visible eternally cries out to the
Invisible. Desire is the ceaseless life-urge of all things, from amoeba
to archangel. Desire is "Immanuer'--_God with us_--God _in_ us to will
and to do."



CHAPTER X.

HARMONY AT HOME.

"I have recently married for the second time. My husband is a splendid
man but his grown up children are not in harmony with me. Good people,
but a different point of view. I make no pretensions to perfection, of
course, but I do try to do the best lean."

This is the gist of several letters I have received from as many
different women. I will answer them together.

When you enter a new home the matter of importance is _not_ whether your
new relatives harmonize with you, but whether _you_ harmonize with
_them_. It is for _you_ to do _all_ the adjusting.

This may seem hard, but it is not. It is an easier matter for one person
to readjust her living than for a whole family to change. The family has
not only its individual customs to hold each one, but its family customs
as well; whilst you have left your family and have only your individual
self to readjust. If you refuse to adjust yourself, for no matter what
reason, you will act upon this family you have entered, as a red hot
iron would act upon a pan of water--there'll be boil and bubble, toil
and trouble and the family will fly to pieces. All because you came in
with _positive_ notions of your own which you insist upon enforcing.

But if you come into the family like a lump of sugar into a glass of
water you will all, _in time_ melt together and the whole family will be
the sweeter and better for your coming. Whatever there is in you which
is better and sweeter than their own ideas and customs will in time be
_absorbed_ by the family; for what is good is ever positive to the less
good, and has a power of its own to convert; and every human soul, if
left free, will eventually _choose_ the good.

The only danger lies in your tilting your nose at _their_ ways and
ideas, and insisting upon your own. That rouses the sense of
_individuality_ in them and they then fight for _their_ ways and
ideas--then there's boil and bubble and sputter and flying apart.

Learn to vibrate _with_ people where you can and keep still when you
can't. _Look_ for the little things you can enjoy together, and make
light of the others. Recognize their _right_ to differ from you, and
REMEMBER that "_all_ judgment is of God"--_their_ judgment as well
as _yours_.

All this differing of judgment among the people of earth is simply _God
reasoning out things_. All the brains God has are your brains and mine.
Just as in your brain you reason things for and against, wondering which
is right and waiting for time and experience to decide; so God reasons
one way through _your_ brain and another and opposite way through _my_
brain, and then rests and observes until the "logic of events" shall
show _him_, and us, the point of real harmony. Just be still and _let_
God think through your brain, and don't kick up a muss because he thinks
out the other side of things through my brain, or your new
relatives' brains.

Toleration is a great thing; but loving _willingness_ to _let_ God think
out _all_ sides of a question through all sorts of brains, is a glorious
thing. Let's stand for our point of view when it is called for, but
don't let's insist upon it. Let's remember always to use God's "still,
small voice."

Do I need to tell you that what I have just said applies to you whether
you have just married a second time or not? The whole world is our
family, you know. Let's respect it and be kind to it, and _trust_ it to
recognize and appropriate our point of view just as far as is good for
it. Let's be more interested in getting at the _other_ points of view
than insisting upon our own. That is the way we shall grow in wisdom and
knowledge. And, too, that is the way we shall all get close enough
together to really see the truth about things.



CHAPTER XI.

A MYSTERY.

"I desire to come face to face with the person or persons who are
controlling and influencing my husband against his home and children and
myself. He has been estranged from us all for several years, although
sleeping under the same roof. Once I can find out the person or cause of
his actions I can remove the effect, for I shall know just what to do. I
want to solve the mystery."

The chances are you will never find that out, and if you did it would
do you absolutely no good. Your husband is no dumb fool to be
"influenced" this way or that by two women! He is a man with ideas of
his own. If he was disappointed in you as wife, he has possibly turned
to some other woman. If so the more you pry and suspect and hint around,
the more positively he will turn away from you. If you "found out" and
made things warm for him or another he would simply hate and despise you
and be the harder set against you. This is the Law.

The thing for you to do is to recognize your husband's RIGHT to make and
answer for his own mistakes. Then drop the whole thing from your mind
and calculations.

Then treat your husband as you would any man who came to visit you. Make
yourself as attractive and cultured and agreeable as possible, and look
out for his comfort, but never get in his way nor question his doings.
Stand square up on your own feet and be as fine a woman as you know how
to be--as gracious a one. If he does love some other woman it may be but
a temporary infatuation and if you are attractive and kind and sensible
and independent enough he may return to his first love in his own
good time.

If not, why, no matter. Just you get interested in life on your own
account and let him do as he will. If he does care for another woman he
deserves credit for not deserting you, as many a man would have done.
Just respect and honor him for the good that is in him, instead of
condemning him mentally because the good does not show just according to
your ideas of how it should.

Love does not stay put, no matter how hard folks try to keep it put.
All we can do is to be as lovable as possible and thus do our part to
_attract_ love.

It may be that you are simply a sentimental goose who imagines her
husband is "influenced" away from her, because, forsooth, he does not
pay her the attentions he used to.

I was once that kind of a goose myself, and it widened a breach that did
not then exist except in my mind; widened it until at last it became a
real breach--my husband went elsewhere for his companionship. I was too
morbid and finicky and exacting for a healthy man.

Just as the husband of the woman in "Confessions of a Wife," in
_Century_ did. I read that serial each month and feel like shaking that
little simpleton!--she is just the kind of a sentimental hair-splitting
little idiot that I used to be! Instead of getting at her husband's
point of view and enjoying _with_ him, at least sometimes, she insists
on acting the martyr because he will not dawdle around and gush at
her feet.

Whatever is the cause of your trouble the only cure for it is
Common-Sense. Live your own life, cheerily, happily, and enter into your
husband's life so far as you can. Take all the good things that come
your way and rejoice in them, but don't moon around and fuss because you
can't have the sort of love-life described in some sentimental novel.
Your business in life is to LOVE, not to _be_ loved. The latter is a
secondary matter and the first is the thing that brings happiness to
you. Go in to win now, and you can develop within yourself the full Life
that you really desire. All you desire is yours and you will realize it
in due time. But every moment you set your thought on straightening out
Some Other body's life you are delaying your own realization and
happiness.



CHAPTER XII.

THE FAMILY JAR.

"If a man and woman love each other and are every way suited to marry
should they yield to the opposition of his grown daughter?" M.A.

This question in varying forms comes to me often. It always stirs within
me something I used to call "righteous indignation." And incidentally it
makes me smile. Translate the question into Plain English and anybody
can answer it without hesitancy. Put it this way: When two Individuals
know what they want and the whole world approves, should they go away
back and sit down because a third Individual tries to interfere with
their inherent right to the pursuit of happiness?

Of course _not_. A man or woman old enough to have a grown daughter is
old enough to know whether he wants to marry again. Not even the most
precocious daughter is a better judge than her father as to what is best
for his own happiness.

Ah, there's the rub! It is not _his_ happiness she is concerned about.
It is her own. A new marriage would interfere with the daughter's plans.
She would have to give the chief place to the new wife. She would have
to give up a share of the prospective inheritance she has more or less
consciously been counting upon. So she opposes her father's re-marrying.

But apparently not on these grounds--dear, no! Her father is "too old,"
or "too weakly," or the intended wife is "not nice." The daughter
conjures up a dozen excuses, but never the _real_ one; of which she is
not fully conscious herself,--and _doesn't want to be_.

The parent's "duty" to children is great; far greater than the child's
duty to parent; but parental self-sacrifice should certainly _not_ be
continued for life. A grown daughter is an Individual, who should stand
on her own feet and make her own happiness _without_ curtailing the
happiness of parents.

Let her leave her father to a renewal of youth and happiness; or let her
gracefully and kindly accept her rightful second place and use her
loving energies in helping to make bright the home.

A sensible, well trained, loving daughter will do one of these two
things.

A sensible, well trained, loving parent will consider his daughter's
feelings and will do all he can to gain her _willingness_ before he
marries; but he will not make a lasting sacrifice of his own and the
other woman's happiness simply to please a selfish girl.

If daughter and parent are not sensible, well trained and loving, it
will be a case of frying pan or fire either way.

The recognition of individual rights to the pursuit of happiness
according to individual desire, is the only basis of happiness in family
relations.

The daughter who _helps_ her father do as he desires will find _him_
ready to help _her_ do as _she_ desires. And _vice versa_.

The daughter who "opposes" her father's marriage is quite apt to be the
daughter who has _been opposed by her father_; he reaps as he has sown.
Or else she is the daughter who has been brought up with the idea that
parents are a mere convenience for her use.

The way out of the Family Jar is often labyrinthine; but the Loving
Individual can always thread it.



CHAPTER XIII.

THE TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE.

In January _Psychic and Occult Views and Reviews_ the editor, M.T.C.
Wing, presents a view of "Wives and Work" which is anything but an
_occult_ view of the subject. He evidently still clings to the old
notion that man was made for the family, and not the family for man. He
inveighs against George D. Herron and Elbert Hubbard _et al_ because
they permitted themselves to be separated from their wives. Apparently
he thinks the chief end of man is to tote some woman around on a chip,
and the fact that in his callow youth man picked out (or was picked out
by) the wrong woman, cuts no figure in the matter. Man must keep on
toting her even if he has to give up his life work by which he has been
enabled to supply the chip, not to mention the other things the
woman demands.

All of which is the very superficial view of the world at large, and
has no place among new thought, "occult" teachings. It is entirely too
obvious--to the old-fashioned sentimentalist, who is blind to the real
facts in cases of separation.

The sentimentalist gets just two views of the family, and draws his
hasty conclusions therefrom. He sees first a happy family, a charming,
clinging little simpleton of a wife, with half a dozen or so infants
clinging to her skirts and bosom, and her round eyes lifted in adorable
helplessness to the face of that great, strong lord and master, her
husband. In his second view of the family he beholds this strong man
turn his back upon this adoring family and walk deliberately forth to
self-gratification, leaving them to perish from hunger and grief. Fired
with these pretty and entirely fanciful pictures the superficial
observer burns with indignation and calls down anathema upon the head of
the deserter.

The fact is that _no_ man ever deserts a family under such conditions.
There is always a long period of disintegration before any family goes
to pieces--a period of which _both_ man and wife are well aware. When a
separation comes it is _really_ a relief to _both_ parties. The only
real pain in such cases comes from the spirit of _revenge_, or a desire
on the part of one or the other to pose as injured innocence, that she
or he may rake in the sympathy and fire the indignation of just such
uninformed friends as M.T.C. Wing.

I have known a lot of people who separated--known them intimately and
observed them well. In not one of these cases did the deserted party
claim to _love_ the deserter. In all there was a real _relief_ when it
was all over. In every case the one thing which had held them together
so long was _fear of disgrace_. "Oh, _what_ will people think of
me?"--is the first cry of everybody--especially women. It was _that_
which made the deserted one unhappy and resentful. It is that which
makes many women pose as injured innocents and rate the deserter as a
villain. And all the time _in secret_ they are glad, _glad_ that they
are relieved of the burden of living with an uncongenial husband
or wife.

Of course there are other reasons why women hate to be left by their
husbands. One is that their support is apt to go with the deserter.

Public opinion keeps many a family in the same house years after it
really _knows_ it is separated widely as the poles.

The dread of having to take care of herself keeps many a woman hanging
like grim death to a man she knows she does not love, and who
despises her.

The fear of public opinion and the love, not of money, but of _ease_,
holds together under one roof tens of thousands of families who have
been _occultly_ and really separated for years.

A man is held by the same sentimental notion that M.T.C. Wing has--that
he must "protect" the woman. So he stays in hell to do it. He _has_ to
stay in hell _until she gets out_.

In almost every one of these separation cases it is the woman and _not_
the man, who gives the signal. In George D. Herron's case the wife
offered to take a certain sum of money and release him from supporting
her. He met her conditions--and bore all the odium like a man. To her
credit be it said she did not pose as an injured woman. I know nothing
about Elbert Hubbard's case, but I venture to say that if he and his
wife are separated that _she_ was the one who did the leaving act.

We hear a lot about the "Biblical reason" for divorce; but I say unto
you that infidelity is no reason at all for divorce. The one just cause
for separation is _incompatibility of temper_.

A man is an Individual; a woman is another Individual; and neither can
make himself or herself over to please the other.

When two people from lack of similar ideals and aims cannot _pull
together_ the quicker they pull apart the better it will be for
them--and the children, too.

I know well a couple who lived together long enough to have grown
children. For nearly a score of years they pulled like a pair of balky
horses--what time they were not doing the monkey and parrot act. The
husband stayed out nights and tippled. The wife sat at home and felt
virtuous. Finally the woman worked up spunk enough to do what she had
been dying to do for years. She packed up and left. Now she is happily
married to a man she can pull _with_, And he is married to another woman
who pulls with him. She has quit feeling virtuous and he has quit
tippling. They are both prospering financially. The children have _two_
pleasant homes, and more educational and other advantages than they ever
dared hope for. Everyone of the family is _glad_ of that separation.

The family is an institution of man's own making. It is a good and
glorious thing so long as it serves to increase the happiness and health
of its members. But whenever the family institution has to be maintained
at the expense of the life, liberty or happiness of its members it is
time to lay that particular institution on the shelf.

What God does not hold together by LOVE let not man try to paste
together by law.

One great cause of the increase of divorces is the financial
emancipation of woman. Women can now get out and take care of
themselves, where a few years ago they had to grin and bear it; or bear
it without grinning.

If the new thought means anything, Brother Wing, it means that every
individual man or woman, has the RIGHT to life, liberty and the pursuit
of happiness wherever and with whom he chooses to seek it, so long as he
or she does not attempt to abridge the same rights for others. It means
that a woman is as much an Individual as a man, and must stand or fall,
hold her husband or lose him, _on her own merits_. The new thought deals
with Individuals regardless of sex.

Marriage is a partnership, subject in the eyes of Justice to the same
rules which govern other partnerships. Let us be just to the deserter,
be he man or woman, before we are sentimentally generous to
the deserted.

And don't let us be _too_ sure that we know all the facts in these
separation cases. It is human nature to fix up outward appearances for
the benefit of the passer-by.

Seek rather to _understand_. Condemn not.

Has any one told you it is lucky to be married?

I hasten to inform you it is just as lucky to be divorced, and I know
it.



CHAPTER XIV.

THE OLD, OLD STORY.

This is the springtime, when fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love and
everybody wants to go a-soul-mating. Consequently my mail is leavened
with letters from those who are unhappily married but who are sure they
have got their eye on the One who from the foundation of the ion was
intended for them. They all want to leave the old mis-mate and go to the
new found soul mate, and they all want my advice and encouragement--to
do it! Some of these writers have already left their husbands (?) and
want to know whether or not they should go back, or go on. To one such I
wrote the following letter, which I publish in the hope that it will
help others to find and follow _themselves_. Here is the letter:

One thing at a time! Get off with the old love before you go fretting
about a new one! Don't you think you are a silly girl to ask _anybody's_
advice as to whether or not you are to go back to your so-called
husband? If _I_ know what _you_ ought to do I don't see what _you_ are
worth to yourself or the universe. The truth is that YOU are the only
person in creation who can make that decision. If you don't yet _know_
that you have a right to make your own life as you see fit; if you don't
yet _know_ whether or not you could go back to him; then _be still_
until you _do_ know.

You know things today that you did not know yesterday, and tomorrow you
will know things you "can't decide about" today. So attend strictly to
business and keep still, and stiller yet, until you KNOW what is best
to do.

Then DO it.

So much for the old love. As to the new one, not even _you_ can know
for certain whether that other man would pan out the soul mate you now
imagine him. But the Law of Love, or Attraction, will _prove_ whether or
not he is what you think. _Your Own_ will come to you, and all creation
can't hinder it--IF you keep that man was NOT what I longed for, a real
comrade; sweet and cool, and free in your own mind, and make the best of
THIS day as it comes along.

Ages ago I had a similar experience to yours. I found the only and
original one intended for me. But I was tied to another man--NOT by a
ceremony, for that ties nobody, but by my own conscience, which
compelled me to "stand by" the man I thought "needed" me. So I stood,
though I thought my heart was broken. In a few years I found that my
soul mate was no mate at all!--I wouldn't have had him as a gracious
gift! I felt like Ben Franklin who, as a barefooted boy, resolved that
when he grew up and had pennies he would buy a stick of red striped
peppermint candy; but when he grew up and had the pennies he didn't want
the candy.

I have learned to smile at that experience as the bitterest and sweetest
of my past life, and the source of volumes of wisdom. The _Law of
Attraction knew_ and the Law kept him from me. I afterward found the
real comrade, and _more_ than the joy I thought I had forever missed!

"We are pretty silly children, dearie, without the child's best quality,
TRUST."

Just you _let go_ of everything and everybody and apply yourself to
doing THIS hour, with _love_, what your _hands_ find to do; and trust
the Law to bring you in due time ALL the good things you ever desired.

ACCEPT what comes as _from_ the Law; meet it kindly and do your best.

The time came when I left my husband and secured a divorce. This may be
your time to leave, or it may not. But NO one can know but yourself, and
you will know as soon as you really _want_ to know what is RIGHT, and
get quiet enough to find the decision _about which you have no doubt_.
"BLESSED is he that _doubteth_ not in that thing which he alloweth." "He
that doubteth is _damned already_." When you are _sure_, then go ahead;
and the whole universe, seen and unseen, will work together for you
and with you.

What is it that ties you to one man and not to another? Not the words of
a priest or a justice of the peace. It is _your thought_ about the
matter, and _his_ thought about the matter, which ties you. You may not
have thought you were tied until the preacher told you; but not his
words but _your acceptance_ does the real tying.

If you are ever freed from a husband you must _think_ yourself
free--just as you must think yourself free from any other bondage. I
thought myself free several years before I applied for a legal
separation; so that when I did apply it was to me merely a technicality.

Divorce or no divorce you are _tied_ to a man until you think yourself
untied.

Be still and find your mental freedom. Then you will know what to do.

       *       *       *       *       *

A year after I wrote the above letter to a young woman who wanted to
leave her husband and go to her "soul mate," I received from her another
letter in which she thanked me from her heart for my letter, which, she
said, had saved her from a terrible mistake. She had let time try the
new love; who was found sadly wanting. More than that she had come to
love and respect her husband as never before. Many others, both men and
women, have written me to the same effect.

Can you learn from the experiences of others--learn _caution_ at least?
I hope so. Be _sure_ you are right before you resort to separation.

In the meantime make it the aspiration and business of your life to know
_that_ ALL _things are_ NOW _working for good to you and your mate, and
all you hold in common_.

Keep sweet, dearie, and _let_ them work--at least until you know exactly
_what_ to do, and _how_ to do it; and can feel _sure_ in your heart of
hearts that, _whatever the consequences_, you will never regret
your action.





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