Title: Our People
Creator: Charles Keene
Release date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
Credits: E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org)
The Project Gutenberg eBook, Our People, by Charles Samuel Keene
| Note: | Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See http://archive.org/details/ourpeople00keen |
Sketched by
CHARLES KEENE.
from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."
BOSTON,
JAMES R. OSGOOD & CO.
1881.
Our People. At Home.
Our People. Street-Life.
Our People. In the Country.
Our People. Travelling.
Our People. Professional.
Our People. Official.
Our People. In the Army.
Our People. Art and Artists.
Our People. Volunteers.
Our People. At Business.
Our People. Domestics.
Our People. Working Folk.
Our People. In Ireland.
Our People. In Scotland.
&c., &c.
Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!
COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"
ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,
Society Pictures By
George Du Maurier.
JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.
Mens Conscia.
Inspector (who notices a backwardness in History). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.)
Dignity.
Club "Buttons." "I'm at the 'Junior Peninsular' now."
Family Pride.
First Boy. "My Father's a Orficer." Second Boy. "What Orficer?"
Bad Customer.
Landlady. "What Gentleman's Luggage is this, Sam?"
"March of Refinement."
Brown (behind the Age, but hungry). "Give me the Bill of Fare, Waiter."
Refrigerated Tourists.
Provincial Waiter. "Ice! Gentlemen! There ain't no Ice in Autumn Time. But it's easy to See you are Gents from London, as don't Know much about Nature, and I don't Blame you for it, in course. But, Ice in August!" Exit, sniggering.
Intelligent Pet.
"Ma, dear, what do they Play the Organ so Loud for, when 'Church' is over? Is it to Wake us up?"
The Mystery Solved.
Effie (our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud—with intense surprise). "Pa and all the Dear little Boys, in their Nightgowns, going to Bye-Bye!!"
A Pledged M. P.
M. P.'s Bride "Oh! William, dear—if you are—a Liberal—do bring in a Bill—next Session—for that Underground Tunnel!!"
"Perils of the Deep."
Unprotected Female (awaking old Gent., who is not very well). "O, Mister, would you find the Captain? I'm sure we're in Danger! I've been Watching the Man at the Wheel; he keeps Turning it round first One Way and then the Other, and evidently doesn't Know his own Mind!!"
"The Pink of Fashion."
"Our Flower Show was a Decided Success this year, and Little Fidkins in an Embroidered Floral Waistcoat was Killing!"
The Bird Show.
That Charming Gal with the blue feather (to Prize Canary). "Sweety, dear!"
"Trying."
Happy Swain (she has "named the day"). "And now, dearest Edith, that is all settled. With regard to Jewellery, my Love; would you like a Set in plain Gold, or——"
Common Prudence.
Snob. "Oh, let's get out o' this Mob, 'arry! they'll think we're a goin' to Church!"
The Triumphs of Temper.
Fare (out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile). "Hi, this won't do! I shall get out!"
"For Better for Worse."
Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker.
A Half Truth.
Guard (of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco). "Strong Smell of Smoke, Sir!"
Poor Humanity!
Bride. "I think—George, dear—I should—be better—if we Walked about——"
Family Ties.
(Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall—M. and C.)
"Prevention Better than Cure."
Jeames (excitedly). "Here—Here—Here's the Shillin'! Quick—Quick—Off with you!"
The Roll-Call.
Sergeant. "Alister McAlister!" Answer. "Hamisho!"
Gentility in Greens.
(Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!)
Plain to Demonstration.
Customer (nervously). "Ah! they must be very Irksome at first."
Unprejudiced!
Swell (at the R. A. Exhibition). "Haw! 've you any Idea—w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"
A Kind Son.
Paterfamilias (to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's). "George, these are uncommonly good Cigars! I can't afford to Smoke such expensive Cigars as these."
Crass Ignorance.
First Swell. "Let's see—To-Morrow's——What's t'day, byth'by?"
A Change in the Weather.
Paterfamilias (with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays). "It's all up!"
"Res Angustæ Domi."
Family Man. "Where do you go this Year, Jinnings?"
Irish Ingenuity.
Saxon Tourist. "What on Earth are you Lowering the Shafts for?"
Scrupulous.
Shepherd. "O, Jims, Mun! Can ye no gie a whustle on tha Ram'lin' Brute o' mine? I daurna mysel'; it's just Fast-Day in oor Parish!!"
A Game Two can Play at.
Guard (to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting). "Ye're too Late, Sir. Ye canna Enter."
Decimals on Deck.
Irish Mate. "How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"
More "Revenge for the Union."
Saxon Tourist (at Irish Railway Station). "What Time does the Half-Past Eleven Train Start, Paddy?"
The Ulster.
Schoolboy (to Brown, in his new great-coat). "Yah! Come out of it! D'you think I don't see yer!!"
"Silence is Golden."
Chatty Old Gent. "Have you Long Hours, he-ar, Portar?"
Barometrical.
Draper. "Light Summer Dress? Yes, M'm. Sold a great many the last few days, M'm, the Weather havin' risen from a French Merino to a Grenadine!"
A Family Man.
Cabby. "Vy, I'm a Father of a Fam'ly myself, Mum,—not so 'andsome as your little Dears, Mum, I don't say,—an' d'you think I'd go for to overcharge for 'em? Not I, Mum! Not a Sixpence, bless their little 'earts!" &c., &c.
A Narcotic.
Doctor. "Look here, Mrs. McCawdle. Don't give him any more Physic. A sound Sleep will do him more Good than Anything."
The Connoisseur.
Host (smacking his lips). "There, my Boy, What do you Think of that? I thought I'd give you a Treat. That's '34 Port, Sir!"
Awful Warning!
Guest (at City Company Dinner.) "I'm uncommonly Hungry!"
The Sausage Machine.
Cook (in a fluster). "O 'f y' please, 'm, no wonder the Flaviour o' them Sassengers wasn't to-rights, 'm, which I've jest now ketched Master Alfred a cuttin' his 'Cavendish' in the Machine!"
Just in Time.
Veteran Piscator. "Hech! but yon's a Muckle Fesh loupin' ahint me!"——(It was lucky he looked round!—his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!)
Words and Weights.
Angler. "Deuced odd, Donald, I can't get a Fish over Seven Pounds, when they say Major Grant above us killed half a dozen last Week that turned Twenty Pounds apiece!"
"Mal Apropos."
Rector's Wife. "Well, Venables, how do you think we Sold the Jersey Cow?"
"A Slip o' the Tongue."
Yachting Biped. "Then you'll Look us up at Primrose 'ill?"
Confession in Confusion.
Priest. "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to Chapel?"
The New Running Drill.
(A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief.)
Our Military Manœuvres.
Irish Drill-Sergeant (to Squad of Militiamen). "Pr's'nt 'Rrms!"—(Astonishing result.)—"Hiv'ns! what a 'Prisint'! Jist stip out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"
The Race not yet Extinct.
Country Excursionist (just landed at G. W. Terminus). "Could you inform me what these 'ere Busses charge from Paddington to the Bank?"
A Dilemma.
Party (overcome by the heat of the Weather). "Hoy! Cab!"
Adjustment.
Bootmaker (who has a deal of trouble with this Customer). "I think, Sir, if you were to Cut your Corns, I could more easily find you a Pair——"
A Mine of Speculation.
Dealer (to Wavering Customer). "Well, of Course we all Know that—he's got 'is Bad Points an' 'is Good Points; but what I say is, there's no Deception about 'is Bad Points—we can See 'em. But we can't none of us Tell 'ow many Good Points he may 'ave till we comes to Know 'im!!" The "Party" took time to consider.
"Argumentum ad Hominem!"
Dealer. "I know you don't like his 'Ead, and I allow he ain't got a purty 'Ead; but Lor'—now look at Gladstone, the cleverest Man in all England!—and look at 'is 'Ead"!!!
Veneration.
Lodger. "I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I've a Friend coming this Evening. If you could Give us Something Nice for Supper——"
A Soft Answer.
Irascible Old Gent. "Waiter! This Plate is quite Cold!"
Seasonable Luxury.
Old Gent (disgusted). "Heck, Waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—Caterpillar in this Chop!"
Education!
Papa (improving the occasion at Luncheon). "Now, look, Harry, the circumference of this Cake is equal to about three times the diameter, and——"
Cricket!
Uncle. "Well, Tom, and what have you Done in Cricket this Half?"
Treacherous Confederate.
Uncle George (who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring). "Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, you saw me Burn the Handkerchief.—Would you be Surprised to Find—(Roars of Laughter)—I shall produce the Orange our Young Friend here was so Obliging as to offer to Take Care of, and Inside which, I've no doubt, we shall Find the Shilling?!"
Breaking the Ice.
Sprightly Lady. "Mr. Dormers, would you Oblige me with——"
The First Sermon.
Aunt. "Well, Daisy, how did you like 'Church' yesterday?"
"Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"
Captain Ogleby, who annoys the Miss Lankysters so much on the Promenade by his obtrusive Admiration, is discovered early one Morning, by his exultant Victims, in the act of having an "Easy Shave" in the somewhat limited Premises of the Village Figaro.
Desperate Case!
M. A. (endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil going into the Army). "Now, if the Three Sides of this Triangle are all Equal, what will Happen?"
Exchange!
Togswell (in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for the De Browney's Dinner-Party). "Hullo! What the Dooce"—(Pulling out, in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe.)—"Confound it! Yes!—I must have taken that Fellow's Bag who said he was going to the Athletic Sports this Afternoon, and he's got mine with my Dress Clothes!!"
A Degenerate Son.
The Governor (indignantly). "George, I'm Surprised at you! I should have Thought you Knew better! It's Disgraceful! Is it for this I've paid Hundreds of Pounds to give you an University Education, that you should——"
Lucid!
Irish Sergeant (to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill). "Now, ye'll pay the greatest of Attintion to the Man at Eight Hundred Yar-rds: becase, if ye can't see 'm, ye'll be deceived in his 'Apparance!!"
The Riding Lesson.
Riding Master (to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub Cavalry). "If Yer 'Ead was only turned the other way, What a Splendid Chest you'd 'ave, Mr. Bowdrib!"
Look before you Leap.
Middle-Aged Uncle. "Not Proposed to her yet! Why, what a shilly-shallying Fellow you are, George! You'll have that little Widow snapped up from under your Nose, as sure as you're born! Pretty Gal like that—nice little Property—evidently likes you—with an Estate in the Highlands, too, and you a Sporting Man——"
No Mistake, this Time.
Lodger. "Dear me, Mrs. Cribbles, your Cat's been at this Mutton again!"
State o' Trade.
Small Girl. "Please, Mrs. Greenstough, Mother says will you Give her a Lettuce?"
"Let Well Alone!"
Swell. "Ah—what's your Fare to Hampstead by the—ah—New Law?!"
"Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle."
Old Gent (having had to pay twice). "But I'm positive I handed you the Money! It may probably have dropped down the slit in the Door!"
"Tho' Lost to Sight——"
Aunt Jemima (from the country—her first experience of a "Hansom"). "Hoy! Hoy! Stop the Horse! Where's the Coachman!"
Precise.
Driver (impatient). "Now, Bill, what's it all about?"
An Extensive Order.
"O, please, Miss, will you give us two 'A'pennies for a Penny, and gi' me a Drink o' Water, an' tell us the Right Time? An' Father wants a Pipe; and lend Mother yesterday's 'Tizer."!!!
"No such Luck."
Young Lady. "Is it Hungry, then? Come along, little Darling, it shall have its Dinner."
"'Tis Better not to Know."
Impudent Boy (generally). "Try yer Weight—only a Penny!" (To Lady of commanding proportions in particular.) "Tell yer 'xact Weight to a Hounce, Mum!"
"Chaff."
Apple-Stall Keeper (to the Boys). "Now, then, what are you Gaping at? What do you Want?"
"Is It Possible?!"
Swell (lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre). "You should always—ah—Touch your Hat to a Gentleman——"
A Panic in the Kitchen.
Facetious Page. "Now, then, here's the Census, and Master's ordered me to Fill it up. I've put down your Ages within a Year or so, and you're to 'return' your Follerers, if any, how many, and state 'P'lice or Military,' Fees and Tips from Tradesmen and Wisitors 'per Ann.,' Price o' Kitchen-Stuff, Average o' Breakages, &c., &c."
Proof Positive.
Mistress. "Your Character is Satisfactory, but I'm very particular about one thing: I wish my Servants to have plenty, but I don't allow any Waste."
"Qualifications."
Painter (who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an R. A."). "Think they might have Elected me, having Exhibited and had my Name down all these Years! I might have——"
Temptation.
Painter. "You don't mean to Say you want Me to Sign it, when I tell you I did not Paint it? And a Beastly Copy it is, too!"
"Spoiling It."
Lord Dabbley. "Wa-al, Streaky, why I've heard—ah—you're not going to—(yawns)—have a Pict-yar at the Exhibition!"
Particular!
Young Mumford (airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part of the country). "Dessay you know the Cadgebys of Bilchester?—Awfully Jolly People! I——"
Vivifying Treatment of a Partner.
(A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season.)
Arbiter Elegantiarum.
Housemaid. "Oh, please, 'M, could I go out this Evening? 'cause Cook nex' Door's got a 'Lang'age o' Flowers Bee,' and she's requested me to be one o' the Judges!"
"The Servants."
Cook. "Then, shall you go as 'Ousemaid?"
"Hard Lines."
Mistress (to former Cook). "Well, Eliza, what are you doing now?"
"Not to Put too Fine a Point on It."
"Never Say 'Die'"
Nephew. "Sure it isn't Gout, Uncle?"
"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c.
Urbane Foreigner. "The—ah—Contemplation of these—ah—Relics of Ancient Art in the Galleries of Europe, must be most Int'r'sting to the—ah—Educated American!"
A Plutocrat.
Swell. "'D you oblige me—ah—by Shutting your Window?—ah——"
"Matter!"
Portly Old Swell (on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech). "Dear me! Is it poss'ble! Most 'xtr'ord'nary!—(throws down the Review)—that I should have been originally a 'Primordial Atomic Globule'!!"
A Final Appeal.
"Now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I throw myself upon your impartial Judgement as Husbands and Fathers, and I confidently ask, Does the Prisoner look like a Man who would Knock down and Trample upon the Wife of his Bosom? Gentlemen, I have done!"
Division of Labor.
Facetious Volunteer Sub. "Look here, Captain; I'm tired of this Fun. Do you mind looking after the Men while I go and get taken Prisoner?"
"Off."
Sergeant O'Leary. "Double! Left! Right! What the Blazes, Pat Rooney, d'ye mane by not Doublin' wid the Squad!?"
"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c.
Frugal Housewife (has a large Family). "Oh, Mr. Stickings, I see by the Daily Papers that the Price of Meat has Fallen Twopence a Pound. I think you ought to make some Reduction in your Charges!"
Complimentary.
Collier (about the Dog). "Yes, Sir, aw got him in Manchester, Yonder, an' Doctor aw's going t' ax ye, hey y' ony objection tin us Namin' him efther Ye?!"
"(Not) Thankful for Small Mercies"
Cat's-Meat Man. "What 'a yer got for Dinner to-day, Joe?"
Delicacy.
Edwin (as the Servant is present). "Ah—j'ettay see—ah—disappointay de ne pas voo vwore a la Rink ce Mattang—poorqwaw esker——?"
"The Servants."
Mistress. "Jane, tell Cook I'll come down and See what she wants done to that Stove, as the Builder's coming to-morrow."
Retributive Justice.
Farmer (giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear). "How dare you Beat those Goslins, you young Rascal? I saw you!"
"By the Card."
Pedestrian. "How far is it to Sludgecombe, Boy?"
In Jeopardy.
The new Boy was enjoined to be very Careful how he carried the Fiddle-Case—"By the Handle, and to mind not to Knock it against anything!" Imagine the Horror of Mr. Pitsey Carter, his Master, who was following, to come upon the Rascal, with the Invaluable "Joseph" on his Head, executing a Pas-seul over a Skipping-Rope!!
Heresy.
Mamma. "You know who Built the Ark, George?"
"Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"
Greengrocer, Jun. (to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion). "I've got yer a bit, Master George. It ain't a very big Piece, but there's lots o' Berries on it; an' it's the Berries as does it"!!!
Culture for the Working Classes.
Philanthropic Employer (who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition). "Well, Johnson, what did you think of it? 'Pick up an Idea or two?"
A Casual Acquaintance.
West-End Man (addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic). "Can you Direct me to the Moorgate Street Station?"
"Circumlocutory!"
Polite Coster (seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket). "You'll excuse me addressin' o' you, Sir,—Common Man in a manner o' Speakin'—Gen'leman like you, Sir—beggin' Pardon for takin' the Liberty, which I should never a' thought o' doin' under ordinary Succumstances, Sir, on'y you didn't seem to be Aware on it, but it Struck me as I see you a Goin' along, as you were A-FIRE, Sir!"
Alarming.
Buttons (as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday, the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star). "Oh, please, Sir, them Meteors is a goin' off ag'in!!"
Weights and Measures.
Valetudinarian (in the course of Conversation with intelligent Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church). "Now, what should you think was my Weight?"
"Small Mercies."
First Jolly Angler (with empty Creel). "Well, we've had a very pleasant Day! What a delightful Pursuit it is!"
Tyranny.
First Rough. "We're a goin' to be Edgicated now, c'mpulsory, or else go to the Treadmill!"
A Perfect Cure.
Town Man. "How Jolly it must be, Living down here in the Country!"
In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.
GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.
"As Well as Can be Expected."
Horsey Parish Doctor (late for the Meet). "Well, Mother, and how's your Daughter, and the Babby—Poorly, eh? Ah, well, give him a Pinch o' Brimstone in his Pap, and I'll look in to-morrow."
Penny Wise.
National Schoolmaster (going round with Government Inspector). "Wilkins, how do you bring Shillings into Pence?"
Reminiscences.
Governess. "Show Mr. Smithers your New Doll, Ada."
"Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"
Customer (worried into it). "Well, I don't mind Taking a Small Bottle——"
Distracting.
Customer. "What did you think of the Bishop's Sermon on Sunday, Mr. Wigsby?"
A Compliment.
Hairdresser. "Any off the Beard, Sir?"
XXX Cellent Reasons.
Free and Independent (to wavering) Elector. "You don't admire his Politics? Politics be Blowed! Look at his Principles! That Man allus Brews Five-and-Twenty Bushels to the Hogshead!"
Sympathy.
Giles (ruefully). "Villiam, I've been an' gone an' 'Listed!"
Liberal to a Fault.
The Missus (affably). "My 'usban's out just now, Sir. Can I give him any message?"
Civil Service Miseries.
Mamma (who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative). "Good Gracious, Dears, what shall we do with these Parcels?"
"Men were Deceivers Ever."
Swell (at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store). "Haw! I want two or thwee Pounds—Bacon—and—aw—'blige me by doing it up like Box—Gloves or Flowers, or something o' that sort!!"
A Sinister Slip.
Smith. "Hullo, Brown! 'Been for your annual Collis——I mean your annual Excursion, yet?"
"Alma Mater."
Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the Church."
Embarrassing.
Nervous Spinster (to wary Old Bachelor). "Oh, Mr. Marigold, I'm so Frightened! May I take hold of your Hand while we're going through this Tunnel?"
A Straightforward View.
High Church Curate. "And what do you Think, Mr. Simpson, about a Clergyman's Turning to the East?"
"The Better the Day." &c.
Rustic (to Curate who dabbles in Photography). "I'd be Turr'ble much Obliged, Zur, if you'd Map off my Pictur', Zur!"
A Distinction.
The "Good Parson" (to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School). "Have you been Confirmed, my Boy?"
Considerate.
Churchwarden. "Tell ye what 'tis, Sir. The Congregation do wish you wouldn't put that 'ere Curate up in Pulpit—Nobody can't hear un."
Rustic Recollections.
Boy. "Please, Pa-arson, Mother wants some Soup."
Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud.
Adolphus (grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river). "Waitar, you can—ah—Leave us!"
"What's in a Name?"
Waiter (to nervous invalid). "There's the old Church, Sir, close by, but some Visitors goes to St. Wobbleoe's, Sir. There the Clergyman preaches Distempery!!"
A New Dish.
Sympathising Swell (waiting for some chicken). "You've got no Sinecure there, Thomas!"
Our Artist
IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN
Hunting Idiot,
RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER."
Boxing-Day.
(Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual Christmas-Box in a state of——never mind.)
An Old Offender.
Country Gentleman (eyeing his Gardener suspiciously). "Dear, dear Mr. Jeffries, this is too Bad! After what I said to you Yesterday, I didn't think to Find you——"
Irrevocable.
Customer (for the Royal Wedding photograph). "Can't I have the Lady only? I don't so much want the Gentleman!!"
Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy
(From whose Family she Received such Politeness when she was in the Highlands) was in Town, and having Heard so much of his Playing, asks him to one of her Little Parties for Classical Music, and hopes he will 'Oblige' during the Evening.—Ha! Ha! She didn't Know what his Instrument was!
Arcadian Amenities.
Little Rustic (after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted). "Oh, please, help us along 'ith this Linen up to Mother's——"
A Big Fish.
Artful Damsel (who has made a successful throw). "O, Lord Feubiggin, however shall I Manage——."
The Pic-Nic.
Playful Widow. "Jump me Down, Mr. Figgins!!"
Artful—Very!
Mary. "Don't keep a Screougin' o' me, John!"
"The Grey Mare!"
Mrs. B. (taking the reins). "No, Brown, I will not have the Pony backed! No! That Person must have seen us come into the Lane first; and if the Man's got common Politeness——"
How We Arrange Our Little Dinners.
Mistress. "Oh, Cook, we shall want Dinner for Four this Evening. What do you think, besides the Joint, of Ox-tail Soup, Lobster Patès, and an Entrèe—say, Beef?"
Conclusive.
Lodger. "I detect rather a disagreeable Smell in the House, Mrs. Jones. Are you sure the Drains——"
Our Manœuvres.
Captain of Skirmishers (rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the Enemy). "Hullo! He-ar! You Surrender to this Company!"
"Our Reserves,"—The Battle of Amesbury.
Aide-de-Camp. "Good Gracious, Sir! why don't you Order your Men to Lie Down under this Hill? Can't you See that Battery Playing right on them?"
A Little Failing.
Nervous Old Lady. "Now, Cabman, you're Sure your Horse is Quiet? What's he laying Back his Ears like that for? Look!"
The Connoisseurs.
Groom. "Whew's Beer do you Like Best—this 'ere Hom'brewed o' Fisk's, or that there Ale they gives yer at the White Ho's?"
"Io Bacche!"
Jeames. "Mornin', Mr. Jarvice. What's the News?"
A Veteran.
Civil Service Captain. "Will—he—ah—stand Pow-dar?"
"What's the Odds?"
Purchaser. "He's rather Heavy about the Head, isn't he?"
"There's Many a Slip" &c.
Waggles saw a splendid Three-pound Trout Feeding in a Quiet Place on the Thames one Evening last Week. Down he comes the next Night, making sure of him! But some other People had seen him too!!!
Lingua "East Anglia."
First Angler (to Country Boy). "I say, my Lad, Just go to my Friend on the Bridge there, and say I should be much Obliged to him if he'd Send me some Bait."
A Luxurious Habit.
Philanthropist (to Railway Porter). "Then what Time do you get to Bed?"
The Golden Age Restored.
Young Lady (Through Passenger, at West Riding Station). "What's going on here to-day, Porter? Has there been a Fête?"
"No Accounting for Taste."
Materfamilias (just arrived at Shrimpville—the Children had been down a Month before). "Well, Jane, have you found it Dull?"
Sold Cheap.
Little Brown (to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners as "My Lord"). "Ah, how did you know my——ah—How did you know I was a Lord?" Sensation among the bystanders!
Selling Him a Pennyworth.
Philanthropist. "There's a Penny for you, my lad. What will you do with it?"
A Change for the Better.
Greengrocer. "Want a Penn'orth o' Coals, do yer? You won't be able to 'ave a Penn'orth much longer. They're a going up. Coals is Coals now, I can tell yer!"
Colloquial Equivalents.
Papa. "Now, my dear Girls, your Brother is receiving a most Expensive Education, and I think that while he is at Home for the Holidays you should Try to learn Something from him."
"The Meat Supply."
Bathing-Man. "Yes, Mum, he's a good old 'Orse yet. And he's been in the Salt Water so Long, he'll make capital Biled Beef when we're done with him!!!"
"Tracts."
First Navvy. "T' new Mission-ary gave me this 'ere Track just now, Bill."
"A Ticket of Leave."
Swell (who won't be done). "H'yars my Kyard if you'd—ah—like to Summon me."
A Pleasant Prospect.
Traveller (in Ireland). "Hi,—pull her up, man! Don't you see the mare is running away?"
Reassuring.
Traveller in Ireland (rheumatic, and very particular). "Now, I hope the Sheets are Clean!"
Woman's Rights.
Scotch Lady (who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants suddenly giving "warning"). "What's the Reason of this? Have you not all you want?—good Rooms, and good Fresh Air and Food, and Easy Work?"
"Canny."
Sportsman. "That's a Tough old Fellow, Jemmy?"
Stern Pulpit Critics.
First Scot. "Fat Sort o' Minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"
The Commissariat.
Squire (to new Butler). "I have three or four Clergymen coming to Dine with me to-morrow, Prodgers, and——"
Duty and Pleasure.
Rural Butler (deferentially). "And what do you Think of our Country Quality down here, Sir?"
"Business!"
Bath-Chairman. "I s'pose the Duke of Edinboro' and his Missis will be by directly?"
Sacrifice.
Good Templar. "Tut—t—t—Really, Swizzle, it's Disgraceful to see a Man in your Position in this State, after the Expense we've incurred and the Exertions We've used to Put Down the Liquor Traffic!"
Extenuating Circumstances.
Employer (on his way to business on Monday morning). "Ah, Saunders! I'm Sorry to see you in this Way. I thought you'd turned over a New Leaf!"
A Definition.
Shoeblack (pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post). "Tea-Totaller on 'the Strike,' Sir!"
Mystification.
Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic Entertainment—(he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands).
Obliging.
Excursionist (to himself). "Ullo! 'ere's one o' them Artists. 'Dessay 'e'll want a Genteel Figger for 'is Foreground. I'll stand for 'im!!!"
Our Theatricals.
Brown (rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"). "Yas, Marie! I've fondly Loved ye. (Sobs dramatically.) 'Tis well—but no mat-tar-r!"
Flattering.
Housemaid (to Cook, behind the laurels). "He's a Haffable Young Man, that Cap'ain Limber, Missus's Brother. How Becomin' he'd Look in our Livery, wouldn't he?!!"
Comparisons.
Barber. "'Air's extr'ordinary Dry, Sir."
Delicately Put.
Customer. "I'm afraid I'm getting a little Bald!"
A Rash Refusal.
Customer (flying from Importunate Tradesman). "No, thank you, nothing more, really! Not another Article, thank you! Good Morning!"
A Guilty Conscience.
Country Parson (to hard-drinking Old Pauper). "Why, surely, Muggridge, you were Relieved last Week from the Communion Alms!"
Equal to the Situation.
The Parson. "Well, Lizzie, your Mother's come out of Prison, I hear. How is she now?"
The Convalescent.
New Curate (tenderly). "My good Man, what induced you to Send for me?"
Awkward!
Literal Servant Girl (to Brown, who was calling for the first time on the Dibsworths). "Please Sir, your Cabman say he don't half like the Look of this here Half-Crown you've give him!!"
"Suit Your Talk to Your Company."
Mrs. Clovermead. "And, Dan, you'll bring the Trap—(recollecting herself—her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the Farm)—We shall want the Carriage to Drive into the Town after Luncheon, Daniel."
Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity.
Parson. "I have Missed you from your Pew of late, Mr. Stubbings——"
Lapsus Linguæ.
Our Athletic Curate (who, with the young men of his parish, had been victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this once, only). "He-ar Endeth the First Innings!!"
The Archery Meeting.
Curate (to Fair Stranger). "I perceive you are not a Toxophilite!"
Grandiloquence
Captain of Schooner. "What 'a' you got there, Pat?"
Levelling Up.
Sub. (just arrived by rail). "How much to the Barracks?"
Rural Simplicity.
"Been to School, Little Lassie?" "Ay, Sir." "Good Girl—there's a Penny for you." "Thank you, Sir. I'll hae to be steppin'—but awm gaun to Skeull i' the Mornin'—wull ye be this way i' the Efterneun?!"
Catechism under Difficulties.
Free Kirk Elder (preparatory to presenting a Tract). "My Friend, do you Know the Chief End of Man?"
In Vino Memoria.
Major Portsoken (a pretty constant Guest). "I say, Buchanan, this isn't—(another sip)—the same Champagne——!"
Mind and Matter.
Augustus (poetical). "Look, Edith! How Lovely are those fleecy Cloudlets dappled over the——"
Perspective!
In Criticising and Correcting his Pretty Cousin's Perspective, of course Frederick's Face must be as nearly as possible in the same Place as Hers!—TABLEAU!—Pa (in the Background) is evidently making up his Mind to see about this! Note. Fred hasn't a rap!
Those Dreadful Boys!
Algernon. "And, dearest, if the Devotion of a Life——" (At this moment his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers (Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one of those infern——high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers, Tommy and Bertie)!!!
Profanation.
Gent. "I left a Lock of Hair here a few days ago to be Fitted in a Locket, is it—ah—ready?"
"Turn About."
George. "I say, Tom, do take care! You nearly Shot my Father then!"
Making Things Pleasant.
Irishman (to English Sportsman). "Is it Throuts? Be jabers, the Watther's stiff wid 'em!!!"
Angling Extraordinary.
Customer (in a great hurry). "A Small Box of Gentles, please. And look Sharp! I want to Catch a 'Bus'!!"
"Happy Thought."
Mistress (who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard in the Kitchen—Guardsman discovered!). "O, you Deceitful Girl, to say there was Nobody here! And after I'd given you distinctly to understand I didn't allow 'Followers'; and here, you haven't been here a Week——"
Romance of the Kitchen.
Cook (from the Area). "O, 'Liza, gi' me my Winigrette—I've 'ad a—offer—from the Dustman!!"
"Compliments of the Season."
Comely Housemaid. "O, Mr. James, I'm so Frightened in the Railway! Suppose the Biler was to Bust!"
"Ready!"
Emily. "What's Capital Punishment, Mamma?"
Dear, Dear Boy!
George. "Oh! Shouldn't I just like to see Somebody in that Den, Aunt!"
"Brother Brush."
Ship-Painter. "Nice Dryin' Weather for our Business, ain't it, Sir?"
The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season.
Papa. "There, Henry! If you could do like that, I'd have you taught Drawing, my Boy!"
A Pleasant Prospect.
English Tourist. "I say, Look here. How far is it to this Glenstarvit? They told us it was only——"
Compliments of the Season.
Squire (who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of his Peasantry). "Hullo, Woodruff! what an eye you've got! How did you get that?!"
Two Sides to a Question.
Squire. "Your Name Smith?"
Suspicion!
Stout Visitor (on discovering that, during his usual Nap after Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke). "It's one o' those Dashed Artists that are Staying at the 'Lord Nelson' 'a' done this, I know!"
Depression.
Scene—The Exchange. Industrial Centre.
Reductio ad Absurdum.
Stout Party (the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt left him that Legacy). "Where do you Go for these Dividend Warrants?"
"The More Haste the Less Speed."
Intelligent Peasant (who has been overlooking our Artists with much interest). "Yar Mate's a Stainin' o' his'n a'ready, Sir!"
The Point of View.
Tomkins (he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his situation!) "Seems to me an Infern——I call it rather a Dull Place!"
"Lucus a Non" &c.
Visitor. "How long has your Master been away?"
Hyperbole.
Saxon Sportsman. "Any Snipe about here, my Man?"
Real Irish Grievance.
Irish Model (requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume). "The blissed Saints dirict me into this Coat, Sor!"
Our Inspection.
Lieutenant-Colonel. "Hullo! Confound it! There's a Man blowing his Nose—and with a Pocket-Handkerchief, too! Tut-t-t-t-t!"
Hunting Appointments.
Scientific Colonel. "Are you going to the 'Kriegspiel' to-morrow?"
Encouraging!
Riding-Master (to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries). "Well, Sir! You're all 'of a Heap' on the Horse's Neck—you've Lost your Sword and your Forage-Cap, and you've Lost your Stirrups—and——you'll Lose Yourself next!!"
"It's an Ill Wind" &c.
Sporting Sub. "I should like to have my Leave as soon as possible, Colonel, for I've just heard my Father's had a bad Fall out Hunting."
Particular!
Adjutant of Volunteers (to Recruit). "Well, Sir, and what Company do you wish to be in?"
The Last Word.
Cabby (to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare). "Makin' yer Fortune, Sir, no doubt!"
A Dilemma.
Cabby. "Ere's a go, P'liceman! What am I to do?—I vos Ordered to take these 'ere Gents as 'a been a Dinin' you see, to their 'spectable 'omes, vun vos for 'Anover Square, another for the HALBANY, and the tothers elseveres——vell, they vos all carefully Sorted ven I Started, an' now they've been an' gone an' mixed The'rselves up, an' I don't know vich is vich!!"
Too True!
Mamma. "My dear Child, where did you Get that dreadful Scratch on your Arm?"
"Once for All."
Mistress. "By the Way—Anna—Hannah—I'm not Sure. Is your Name Anna, or Hannah?"
Up and Down Stairs.
Young Mistress (at the Parlour Door). "Eliza, what is that Bell Ringing for so violently?"
Terms—Cash.
Lady Bountiful. "Here, my good Man, here's a Ticket for the Organising Charitable Relief and Repressing Mendi——"
Gratitude.
Fastidious Vagrant. "And they ain't 'alf Buttered! I could 'a Done as well if I'd Gone up the Lane to the 'Union!'"
Music of the Future. Sensation Opera.
Manager (to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly). "My dear Fellow, I've brought you the Score of the new Opera. We've arranged SUCH a Scene for you in the Third Act! o' board of the Pirate Screw, after the Keelhauling Scene, you know! Heavy rolling Sea, eh?—Yes, and we can have some real Spray pumped on to you from the Fire-Engine! Volumes of Smoke from the Funnel, close behind your Head—in fact, you'll be enveloped as you rush on to the Bridge! And then you'll Sing that lovely Barcarolle through the Speaking-Trumpet! And mind you hold tight, as the Ship blows up just as you come upon your high D in the last bar!!!"
Club Law.
Waiter. "Did you Ring, Sir?"
"'High' Life Below Stairs!"
Master (sniffing). "There's a most extraordinary Smell, James. I've noticed it several——"
Wages and Wives.
Philanthropic Farmer. "Well, Tomkins, after this Week, instead of paying you partly in Cider, I shall give you Two Shillings extra Wages."
Pursuit o' Knowledge!
First Agricultural (quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened). "What be they Post-es vur, Mas'r Sam'l?"
A Nice Prospect!
Traveller (benighted in the Black Country). "Not a Bedroom disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"
Boon Companions!
Bargee. "What! Ge-arge!"
Bereaved.
First Pitman. "Thou hessent been at the Toun lately, Geordie. Hoo's that, Man?"
Geology.
Scientific Pedestrian. "Do you Find any Fossils here?"
The Morning Concert.
Swell (doesn't care for music himself). "My dear, is this—ah—(yawns)—Te-Dium ovar?"!!
A Cool Card.
Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party). "Aw—would you—aw—do me the Favour to wead the List of the Waces to me while we're wunning down?—I've—aw—forgotten my Eyeglass. Don't mind waising your Voice—I'm pwecious deaf!"
"Relapse."
Squire. "Why, Pat, what are you doing, Standing by the Wall of the Public-House? I thought you were a Teetotaller!"
"In Confidence."
Hungry Customer. "'Taint Bad."
"The Struggle for Existence."
Darwinian Coster (to thrifty Housewife). "Well, Fish is dear, Mum; you see it's a-gettin' wery sca'ce in consekence o' these 'ere Aqueriuns!"
A Satisfactory Character.
Mrs. Brisket (about the Squire's new Bride). "Oh, yes, Mum, She come in 'ere Yesterday, Mum. Bless Yer! a Puffect Lady. Mum! Don't know one J'int o' Meat from another, Mum!!"
Hard Up on a Wet Day.
Richard. "What are you Ringing for, Bob?"
Incombinable Elements.
First Medical Student. "What are you Sighing for, Jack?"
A Desperate Case!
First Driver. "How's poor Bob?"
"Bon Voyage!"
Bus-Conductor (to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been carried a little beyond her destination). "Well, there y'are, Mum, Fust to yer Left. Y'aint got so very Far to Go, and the Wind's at yer Back!!"
Personal!
Driver (impatient). "Now then, Bill!"
"The Conscience Clause"
Rector's Wife. "And what's your Father, my Boy?"
Education.
Squire. "Hobson, they Tell me you've taken your Boy away from the National School. What's that for?"
"Exempli Gratia."
Ancient Mariner (to credulous Yachtsman). "A'miral Lord Nelson! Bless yer, I knowed him; served under him. Many's the Time I've as'ed him for a Bit o' 'Bacco, as I might be a Astin' o' you; and says he, 'Well, I 'ain't got no 'Bacco,' jest as you might say to me; 'but here's a Shillin' for yer,' says he"!!
Dignity.
Shipping Clerk. "Are you the Mate o' the 'Maggie Lauder,' of Stonehaven?"
A Woman-Hater.
Spiteful Old Party (who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff). "Striped Gownds seem all the 'Go' with 'em, eh? (Chuckles.) I'll Stripe 'em! Put a extra Streak o' Ile in, o' Purpose—won't Dry for a Month! Come Lollopin' about here with their Crin'lynes an' Tr'ines, they must take the Consekenses!!"
When You are About it.
Magister Familias (parting with his Butler). "Here is the Letter, Flanagan. I can conscientiously say you are Honest and Attentive, but I should have to stretch a Point if I were to say you are Sober."
Sympathy.
Epicurus. "Pah! O, good gracious, Mivins, that last Oyster was—ugh!"
The Run of the House.
First Flunkey. "Won't you come in, John, and take Something?"
"What Next?"
Mistress (to New Housemaid). "Jane, I'm quite Surprised to hear you can't Read or Write! I'm sure one of my Daughters would gladly undertake to Teach you——"
"The Servants."
Cook. "Yes, Susan, I'm a Writin' to Mary Hann Miggs. She've applied to me for the Charicter of my last Missus, which she's Thinkin' of takin' the Sitiwation——"
Quite Superfluous.
Stout Passenger (obstreperously). "Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!!"
"Noblesse Oblige."
Stodge (in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman). "Well, it's your Right Fare; you know that as well as I do!"
The Beard Movement.
Policeman (invidiously). "It's puffectly Hoptional vith us, you know!"
Too Late.
Departing Guest. "But my Hat was a bran-new one!"
Music in the Midlands.
Intelligent Youth of Country Town. "Ah say, Bill, ull that be t' Elijah goin' oop i' that Big Box?!"
A Perfect Excuse.
Rector (to his Keeper). "'Morning, Woodgate. Didn't I See you at Church yesterday?"
"Fahrenheit."
Rector. "Ah, we shall be comfortable this morning, Gruffles, I see you've got the Temperature up nicely. Sixty, I declare!"
Pleasuring!
Vicar (to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral). "Well, Martha, I'm afraid you've had a sad Afternoon. It has been a long Walk, too, for you——"
Awkward!
Flithers spends his Christmas at a Country House, and the first day, on the Ladies leaving the Table after Dinner, he jumps up, and Opens the Wrong Door!!
He Thought He was Safe
Irascible Old Gentleman. "Buy a Comb! What the Devil should I buy a Comb for! You don't see any Hair on my Head, do you?"
Hygiene.
Hearty Old Gentleman (to dyspeptic Friend). "Doesn't Agree with you?! Oh, I never let Anything of that sort Bother me! I always Eat what I like, and Drink what I like, and Finish off with a good stiff Glass o' Grog at Bed-Time, and go fast Asleep, an' let 'm Fight 't out 'mong 'mselves!!!"
Considerate Criticism.
Rustic (to his friend). "Wa—at, tha's Better than doin' o' Nawth'n'. I s'poos', Gearge!!"
"The Finishing Touch!"
Farmer (who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the Picture). "Good Morn'n', Sir! But—(aghast)—I say, what are you a doin' of, Mister?! A P'intin' all them beastly Poppies in my Corn!—'A bit o' Colour?'—What 'ould my Landlord say, d'you Think?—and after I'd put off Cuttin' cause you hadn't Finished, to oblige yer, I didn't Think you'd a Done it! You don't Come a P'intin' on my Land any more!" Exit, in great dudgeon.
Á Fortiori.
Ticket Collector. "Now, then, make Haste! Where's your Ticket?"
"Nae That Fou!"
Country Gentlemen (who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new Gardener). "Tut, Tut, Tut! Bless my Soul, Saunders! How—what's all this? Disgracefully Intoxicated at this Hour of the Morning! Ain't you Ashamed of Yourself?!"
Hibernian Veracity.
Paterfamilias (with his Family in Ireland). "Have you any West India Pickles, Waiter?"
Quite Another Thing.
Paddy (the loser). "Abram, g'along! I said I'd lay you Foive to Wan, but I wasn't goin' to Bet my Ha'f-Crown agin your tath'rin little Sixpence!"
A Fair Offer.
Athletic Barman. "Now, if you don't take yourself Off, I'll precious soon Turn you Out!"
"The Way We Live Now."
Swell Coachman (with his eye on the Brougham's cockade). "Your Guv'ner in the Army?"
Re-Assuring.
Nervous Old Lady (Band in the Distance). "Oh, there are those dreadful Volunteers, Joseph! I know the Horse will take Fright! Hadn't you better Turn him Round?!"
Well Meant.
Shoeblack (to daily Customer). "Such a Treat we've got to-night, Sir! Tea an' Buns, an' Speeches at Exeter 'All! Wouldn't you like to go, Sir?"
Nature and Art.
Pedestrian. "That's an Extraordinary Looking Dog, my Boy. What do you Call him?"
Natural Advantages.
Teacher. "What Bird did Noah send out of the Ark?"
The Restraints of Society.
Juvenile Bohemian. "Hate goin' out to Tea! 'Have to be Good such a Precious Long Time!!"
Simple Addition.
New Governess. "Why are you Staring so Intently, Blanche, dear?"
Secrets.
Intelligent Housemaid. "Oh, please, Miss, there was a young Gentleman called when you was out. He didn't leave no Card, Miss; but I can show you who he is, 'cause there's Three of his Photygraphs in your Album."
"A Parthian Shaft."
Cook. "Now, I'm a Leavin' of yer, M'um, I may as well Tell yer as the Key o' the Kitching-Door fits your Store-Room!"
Sweet Simplicity.
Visitor. "Jane, has your Mistress got a Boot-Jack?"
Master of the Situation?!
Scene—Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum. Enter Mrs. T. and her Cook. Cook (with her usual promptitude—SHE never kept anybody waiting). "Oh, if you please, Sir, I wish to Complain of Missis! which she come a Dictaterin' and a Hinterferin' in your Kitching in a way as I'm sure you wouldn't approve on," &c., &c., &c.!!
Manners!
Young Mistress. "Jane, I'm surprised that none of you Stood up when I went into the Kitchen just now!"
A Regular Turk!
Adjutant. "Well, Sergeant, how's your Prisoner getting on?"
"Incidit in Scyllam," &c.
Ensign Muffles (alluding to his Moustache). "You see, some say, 'Wear it,' you know; and some say, 'cut it off,' you know; but if I took everybody's advice I should be like the Old Man and his Donkey."
What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure.
(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.)
Curious.
English Tourist (in Ireland). "Tell me, Waiter, at what Hour does the First Train leave for Clonmel?"
Anything for a Change.
Artist (to Old Fellow-Student). "And what have you been doing all these years,—what are you Painting?"
Appearances.
Plushington. "I say, Stodge, Singular thing—your Landlady addressed me 'My Lord' when I asked if you were within!"
From One Point of View.
Scene—British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except——
Our Art-School Conversazione
AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A. EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL.
Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c.
First Shoeblack. "I cotched 'old on 'im Fust!"
Im-pertinent.
Stout Gent. (naturally suspicious of the Street Boy). "Ge' out o' my Way, you Young Rascal!"
Register! Register!!
Aunt Sophy. "Now suppose, George, as a Single Woman I should have my Name put on the Register, what should I get by it?"
"Not Proven."
Presbyterian Minister. "Don't you know it's Wicked to catch Fish on the Sawbath!?"
An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo).
First Factory Lad. "Dom'nick, did you get e'er a Bite at all?"
"The Harp in the Air."
Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires). "Shure! whoiver y'are ye can't Play a bit! How can a Jintleman Dance—(hic!)—iv ye don't kape Thime?"!!
Irish Ideal of Themis.
Biddy (to Pat in charge about a difficulty). "Never fear, Pat! Shure y'ave got an upright Jidge to Thry ye!"
"Canny."
First North Briton. "'T's a Fine Day, this?"
Irish Architecture.
Angler (in Ireland). "Hullo, Pat, what are you about now?"
Thrift.
Peebles Body (to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a visit). "E—eh, Mac! ye're sune Hame again!"
Scruples.
English Tourist (having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning). "My Man, what's your Charge for Rowing me across the Frith?"
A Bad Season.
Sportsman. "I can assure you, what with the Rent of the Moor, and my Expenses, and 'what not,' the Birds have cost me—ah—a Sovereign apiece!!"
"Familiarity breeds Contempt."
Keeper (who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner). "Hooo-o-o-sh! HERE, Bill, come here! They 'on't get up for me! They know me too well!"
Intelligent!
Artist (who thinks he has found a good Model for his Touchstone.) "Have you any Sense of Humour, Mr. Bingles?"
The "Nimble Ninepence."
City Gent (after a critical Inspection). "What do you want for that Moonlight?"
Menace.
Little Angler (to her refractory Bait). "Keep Still, you tiresome little Thing! If you don't leave off Skriggling, I'll Throw you away, and take another!"
"A Thing of Beauty."
Visitor. "Well, George, and what do you Mean to be, when you have Grown Up?"
Mixed Pickles.
Domestic (in terrified accents). "O, Mum, here's Master Plantag'n't, 'M, has been and Broke his Gran'pa's Ink-Bottle in the Lib'ary, and Cut his Finger dreadful, 'M!!"
The Trials of a District Visitor.
The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz (loq.). "Is Mrs. Higgins Within?"
Legitimate Criticism.
Aged Village Matron (to Sympathising Visitor). "It's a 'Cookery Book,' as Mrs. Penewise, our 'District Lady,' give me this Christmas, Miss. I'd a deal sooner a' had the Ingriddiments, Miss!!"
"The Servants."
Old Lady. "They're all Alike, my Dear. There's our Susan (it's true she's a Dissenter), but I've allowed her to go to Chapel Three Times every Sunday since she has Lived with me, and I assure you she doesn't Cook a bit Better than she did the First Day!!"
Pleasant for Simpkins!
Photographer (to Mr. Simpkins). "Keep your Head steady, please, Sir, and Look in the Direction of those young Ladies. Steady now, Sir! Don't Wink, Sir!"
A Misnomer.
Country Valetudinarian. "Ah yes, Mu'm, I've had the 'Lumbager turr'ble bad, Mu'm! 'Ketches me in the Small o' the Back 'ere, Mu'm!!"
"Winkles!"
Philanthropic Coster' (who has been crying "Perry-wink—wink—wink!" till he's hoarse—and no buyers). "I wonder what the p'or unfort'nate Creeters in these 'ere Low Neighb'r'oods do Live on!!"
"The Last (Co-operative) Feather."
'My Lady.' "Just take and Tie up a couple of those Sacks Behind the Carriage, James. There'll be Room, if one of you Rides on the Box!!"
Disaffection!
Adjutant. "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"
Zoology.
Railway Porter (to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets). "'Station Master say, Mum, as Cats is 'Dogs,' and Rabbits is 'Dogs,' and so's Parrots; but this ere 'Tortis' is a Insect, so there ain't no charge for it!"
Extortion.
Porter, S. E. R. "Ticket for Musical Instrument, please, Sir."
"Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"
Little Flora (in great distress). "Oh, Mamma, look here! Jack says it's Aunt Fanny! She's got on her Beautiful Ball-Dress with the Roses on it, and she's Stuck in the Chimney!"
Compliments of the Season.
Fond Parent. "I hope you will be very Careful, Mr. Stimpson. I have always been accustomed to Cut their Hair myself."
On the Face of It.
Pretty Teacher. "Now, Johnny Wells, can you Tell me what is Meant by a Miracle?"
Obvious Initiative.
(A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the Tail, who makes off as fast as he can.)
Driving a Bargain.
Economical Drover. "A Teeck't tae Faa'kirk."
Candid.
Tam (very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning). "Aye, Man, ye micht gie me a bit Gill oot in a Bottle!"
An Irish Model.
Mrs. Magillicuddy (to her Daughter). "Why, why, Roseen! what's been delayin' ye? Why! and me waitin' this Hour past to come in wid the Milk!"
A Benediction!
Irish Beggarwoman (to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the shortest). "Won't ye give me a Copper, Docther dear? They, now, if ye haven't wan Penny convanient!—and may the Blissed Saints incrase ye!"
Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.
Mrs. F. ("coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her"). "There! Oh you Goodfornothing Boy, now I've found you out. How dare you touch the Wine, Sir?"
Confession.
Old Lady (who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any longer). "Now, Robert, I want you clearly to understand the Reason I part with you. Can you tell me?"
A Stroke of Business.
Village Hampden ("who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for sixpence, to keep off the other boys). "If any of yer wants to see what we're a Paintin' of, it's a 'Alfpenny a 'Ead, but you marn't make no Remarks."
Proper Reproof.
Fussy Party. "Why don't you Touch your Hat to me, Boy?"
Little and Good.
Gentleman. "Who do these Pigs belong to, Boy?"
"Mistakes Will Happen."
Mamma (alarmed). "What is it, my Darling?"
More Than One for His Nob.
Irritable Old Gentleman (who is rather particular about his appearance). "I wish you'd be Careful. That's the Third or Fourth Time you've Pricked me with your Scissors!"
A Passage of Arms.
Hairdresser. "'Air's very Dry, Sir!"
Flunkeianum.
Master. "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an Objection to being served with Stale Bread at Dinner. How is it my Wishes have not been Attended to?"
A Dilemma.
Auxiliary Recruit (to himself). "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now? 'Drill-Sarjint tould me always to Salute me Officer wid the far-off Hand, and here's Two iv em! Faix, I'll make it Straight for meself anyhow!"
Lessons in the Vacation.
Public School-man. "He-ar, Cabby, we'll give you Eighteen-pence to take us to Brixton."
Wimbledon.
The Irrepressible 'Arry (to Swell—Small-bore Man—who has just fired). "Ya—ah! Never 'It it!!"
Wimbledon.
Volunteer Mounted Officer (Midnight). "Hullo here! Why don't you Turn Out the Guard? I'm the Field-Officer of the Day!"
A Hardship.
Mistress. "I think, Elizabeth, I must Ask you to go to Church this Afternoon instead of this Morning, because——"
"Like her Impudence."
Missis and the Young Ladies (together). "Goodness Gracious, J'mima! what have you——where's your Cr'n'lin?" (This word snappishly.)
"Too Bad!"
Comic Man (in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with "Adelaide"). "Look out! He's coming to the Passionate Part now. You'll see him Wag his Shoulders!"
"It's the Pace that Kills."
Miss Rattleton (who means Waltzing). "Oh, I did not say 'Stop,' Mr. Plumpley."
The Gamut.
Jack Bowbell (beginning his Song). "'Appy Land, 'Appy Land——"
Garrison Instruction.
Instructor (lecturing). "Gentlemen, a Three-legged Trestle is a trestle with Three Legs. You had better make a Note of that, Gentlemen."
Cavalry Criticism.
Adjutant (to Riding-Master). "Ah, there's Mr. Quickstep!" (Who had just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry.) "How does he get on?"
"The Way we Had in the Army."
Colonel (of the pre-Examination period—to studious Sub). "I say, Youngster, you'll never make a Soldier if you don't mind what you're about!"
"An Officer and a Gentleman!"
Volunteer Captain (bumptiously). "Officer's Ticket!"
"The Service going to, &c.!"
ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE IN THE SAME COMPANY.
Presence of Mind.
Constables (in chorus). "Hoy! Hullo! Stop! Turn back there! Can't come through the Park!"
"Bric á Brac."
Mamma } {"Sam!"
Encouraging.
First Bystander (evidently Village Schoolmaster—ignorant set of people generally!). "Don't seem to be making much of it, do 'e?"
"Fine Art."
Rural Connoisseur. "He's a P'intin' Two Pictur's at Once, d' yer See? 'Blest if I don't Like that there Little 'Un as he's got his Thumb through, the Best!"
Our Reserves.
(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)
Badinage.
Facetious 'Bus-Driver (offering to pull up). "'Ere y'are, Sir. Look sharp, Bill and 'elp the Gen'leman in with his Luggage!"
Particular to a Hair.
Irate Major (to hairy Sub.). "When next you come on Parade, Sir, have the Goodness to Leave those con-founded Weathercocks behind you!"
Chronology.
'Bus-Driver. "They Tell me there've been some Coins found in these 'ere 'Exkyvations that 'a been Buried there a Matter o' Four or Five 'Undred Year!!"
"Bus-Measure."
'Bus-Driver. "Never see the Comet?! Why, wherever could you 'a'——" (Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates).
Tricks upon Travellers.
Bonsor (down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his "Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year especially, down Palestine way). "Did you see the DARDANELLES?"
Quantity not Quality.
Brown, Senior. "Well, Fred, what did you see during your Trip Abroad?"
"A Woman of Business."
Husband (who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank Cheques). "My dear Louisa, I find you have considerably Overdrawn at the Bank!"
"Reason in Woman."
Young Wife. "George, dear, I've had a Talk with the Servants this Morning, and I've agreed to Raise their Wages. They said everything was so Dear now—Meat was so High, and Coals had Risen to Such a Price, and everything——I thought this was Reasonable, because I've so often heard you Complain of the Same Thing."
"Our Failures."
Husband. "I say, Lizzie, what on Earth did you make this Mint-Sauce of?"
"Where there's a Will there's a Way!"
Cook. "Please, 'M, I wishes to Give Warning——"
"Satisfactory!"
Mistress. "Well, Jessie, I'm going into Nairne, and will see your Mother. Can I give her any Message from you?"
"Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!"
Young Mistress (gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the garden-gate). "I See you've got a Young Man, Jane!"
"The Way we Build now."
Indignant Houseowner (he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your House). "Wh' what's the—what am I!—Wha'—what Do you suppose is the meaning of this, Mr. Scampling!?"
"In the Long Run."
Town Gent. "Now do you find keeping Poultry answers?"
Rather too Literal.
Country Gentleman (in a rage). "Why, what have you been up to, you Idiot! You've let him down, and——"
"Bon Voyage!"
Mossu (shot into a nice soft loam) exultingly. "A—ha—a! I am safe O-vére! Now it is your Turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, Sabe!"
"Fiat Experimentum," &c.
The Rector. "Good Morning, Mrs. Smithers. How's the Baby? Isn't it rather Early to bring him to Church? Don't you Think he'll be Restless?"
Irreverent.
Policeman (on the occasion of our "Confirmation"). "Stop! Stop! Go back! You mustn't come in here! We're expectin' o' the Bishop every Minute!"
Wet and Dry.
Careful Wife. "Are you very wet, Dear?"
"Not so Fast!"
Old Gent. (soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie). "Ah, well, this is very Jolly! Wealth's a great Blessing—not that I'm a Rich Man—but after the Turmoil and Worry of Business, to be able to Retire to these charming Solitudes, the Silence only Broken by the grateful Sounds of the rippling Stream ('Burn,' I mean. Ah! I nearly had him then!), and the Hum of the Bee! To be able to leave London and its tiresome Millions, and forget all the Low——"
Banting in the Yeomanry.
Troop-Sergeant Major. "It comes to this, Captain, 'a mun e'ther hev' a New Jacket or knock off one o' my Meals!"
Something from the Provinces.
Excursionist (politely). "Can you kindly Direct me the Nearest Way to Slagley?"
Blank Firing.
Ancient Sportsman (whose Sight is not what it used to be). "Pick 'em up, James, pick 'em up! Why don't you pick 'em up?"
