The Project Gutenberg eBook of Cupid’s Fair-Weather Booke, by Oliver Herford.

In bringing out this, the second volume of the Cupid’s Almanack, we have deemed it advisable to devote our principal effort to informing you, Good Hearticulturists, just what the conditions of the elements will be at the various seasons. This is of the greatest importance, and the success of your work depends largely upon the judgment used in selecting the time to begin.

Enthusiasm is necessary but do not be too impetuous for many a failure has come from rushing ahead while yet conditions are too cold and many a Hope Vine has been killed by a late frost.

If you have started your work indoors do not be in too great haste to set out; young plants need a great deal of warmth and attention and can stand extremely high temperature, while very little cold is apt to be fatal.

THE WATER-MAN

CUPID’S FORECAST
JANUARY

General depression, caused by Brain-storms of December. This is succeeded by a wave of Good Resolutions, accompanied by a general downpour of Ice Water. The cold wave may be counted upon to pass quickly, being followed by brighter days and a Rising Glass.

THE FISHES

CUPID’S FORECAST
FEBRUARY

Generally frigid airs, varied by storms and melting spells, with changing temperature until the Fourteenth, when a soft wave will sweep over the country accompanied by sentimental Mail Storms, resulting in a general rise of temperament and a happier atmosphere. Husbandmen who are cultivating matrimony will be much troubled through this month by the squally nights.

THE RAM

CUPID’S FORECAST
MARCH

Marked coldness, followed by windy sighs, culminating in stormy bluster. Alternate Frostiness and Melting. A depressing month and one to test the intensity of the heart gardener. All but the hardiest plants must be given extreme attention, and many gardeners, to avoid the danger of a frost, sit up far into the night with their favorite plants during this month. But at the best it is apt to be chilly and unpleasant going. The month ends in calm, indifferent weather.

THE BULL

CUPID’S FORECAST
APRIL

Less cold but very changeable. Brief intervals of smiling weather, succeeded by frowning clouds and petulant showers. Sudden storms, accompanied by floods of tears, which dry rapidly as warmer feeling prevails. The first Spring Hats begin to come out and the mewing of Pussy Willow is heard in the land. The month will end with soft, engaging weather.

THE TWINS

CUPID’S FORECAST
MAY

Small birds will begin house-hunting and set the fashion by choosing mates. Soft airs prevail and the skies are rosy. The first leaflets of Spring poetry begin to come out. Occasional warm showers, melting hearts and budding friendships. A few sharp storms, followed by bright making-up weather.

THE CRAB

CUPID’S FORECAST
JUNE

Depression in heart areas, relieved by brief storms which clear the air. A wave of tenderness over all the heart regions, followed by a general warm feeling and the glad ringing of church bells. If you are going to cultivate Matrimony this year, now is the time to begin. Flowery sentiments abound. Increasing warmth produces an atmosphere charged with restlessness in the thickly peopled heart centres. Unsettled weather and clouds, melting away in epistolary showers.

THE LION

CUPID’S FORECAST
JULY

General seaward movement in the air, followed by ocean breezes and heavily charged Hotel Atmosphere. Waves of hot air, principally on the beaches and hotel piazzas. Engaging weather everywhere, with intervals of changeableness. Cooler airs and tempermentary depression, which are followed by clearing skies and renewed warm pressure.

AUGUST

THE VIRGIN

CUPID’S FORECAST
AUGUST

Cupid’s Shooting Season is at its height. Steady weather. Bright skies and continued prevalence of Hot Air. A few storms, violent, but of short duration, and ending in still warmer conditions. Towards the end of the month a slightly depressed atmosphere, but the month will end with a sunlit sea and warm waves. The barometer will register very warm, close weather, and many hearts hitherto unaffected will melt. Look out for Moonstroke and Heartburn.

THE SCALES

CUPID’S FORECAST
SEPTEMBER

Somewhat cooler feeling, and petulent storms more prevalent. Engaging weather becomes unsettled and breaks up. General moistness, followed by downpours, clearing up in some quarters, but generally cloudy and depressed, and the landscape will wear a gloomy and lonely appearance.

THE SCORPION

CUPID’S FORECAST
OCTOBER

Slight return of warmer conditions but varying and unreliable. End of the month chilly. The first frost. The leaves of the Time Table begin to turn rapidly. This may be taken as a sign of a change and is followed by a return to a dense, high pressure atmosphere.

THE ARCHER

CUPID’S FORECAST
NOVEMBER

Dull feeling in the air. Unpleasant underfoot for Hearts. Dark, cloudy outlook, with small hope of clearing up. Heavy rain of bills, followed by many terrible male storms. Weather brightens slightly, but stuffy towards Thanksgiving. High winds follow, caused by everyone complaining at once about the weather.

THE GOAT

CUPID’S FORECAST
DECEMBER

Brighter. Very cold for those outside, but warm on the inside, where there is a tendency to Hot Air. The cheerful sounds of Kissing Larks are heard under the mistletoe branches. Bracing weather everywhere. Excellent for skates, and good slaying for Cupid. About the 25th of the month a terrific shower of gifts and good wishes may be looked for. The month will end in violent Brain Storms.

ADDENDA

NOTE

For many years the question has been much discussed as to the value, to Hearticulturists, of Moonlight as a plant food.

From our own experiments we have found it of the greatest help and a decided stimulant to the Engagement Vines; the Proposal Plant invariably, although seemingly on the point of bursting into flower, defers its blossoming until a moonlight night; while our Hammock Vines have lost half their sweetness when Moonlight has not been supplied them. On the other hand, our Porch Climbers have not done so well with Moonlight.

TIDES

Their are two kinds of Tides, the Tied and the Untied. Most of the Tied would rather be Untied and all of the Untied want to be Tied—and they will. (This is life.)

All through the Spring months the Untied will be very active, in fact, until the full of the late June Moon, known as the “Honeymoon,” after which time a tremendous increase may be noticed in the Tieds. This is often spoken of as “the Swell of the Tied.”

Through the summer months the Tieds will run smoothly (often because they are far apart).

With Fall, however, many Tieds will be again united and it will be cold and squally and there will be very large bill owes and storms.

But through it all the dear old Gulp Stream will ever flow merrily on, dispensing Warmth, Good Cheer and Forgetfulness.

RESOLUTIONS for
the ENSUING YEAR

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THE BASHFUL EARTHQUAKE	$1.25
A CHILD’S PRIMER OF NATURAL HISTORY	$1.25
OVERHEARD IN A GARDEN	$1.25
MORE ANIMALS	net, $1.00
THE RUBAIYAT OF A PERSIAN KITTEN	net, $1.00
THE FAIRY GODMOTHER-IN-LAW	net, $1.00
A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES	net, $1.00
THE PETER PAN ALPHABET	net, $1.00
THE ASTONISHING TALE OF A PEN-AND-INK PUPPET	net, $1.00
A KITTEN’S GARDEN OF VERSES (postage extra)	net, $1.00

CUPID’S CYCLOPEDIA	net, $1.00
CUPID’S FAIR-WEATHER BOOKE (postage extra)	net, $1.00